I have been trying for some time to write this, but busy schedules keep interfering. My main purpose is to say thank you for your efforts in the ongoing class on empowering people. I have taken coursework of this type before, but have generally felt it to be manipulative and lacking in true sincerity. That is not at all the case with your class. Further, I have too often felt that other such courses taught wrong messages (more akin to enabling) and, as such, place the kids and adults who receive them in a worse place, again, not so here.

I can deeply appreciate your Christian focus related to the techniques being taught and I admire your openness in expressing your beliefs. All through the class I have been thinking, if I can have what I want or if I choose, then what do I want and what do I choose? The answers lie in our focus, our center if you will.

I won’t go into the details, but I only rather recently returned to Christianity after a twenty-five year absence, not from God, but from religion.

Like you, I am a recovering low self-esteem person trying with difficulty to deal with the scars (that I now know were self-imposed) of a lifetime disability (you would know me as the person in your Monday night class who uses the walking stick). I spent most of those twenty-five years trying vainly to find and assert myself externally according to the standards and expectations of the world. I have come to know the hard way that such pursuit is futile and self-defeating until the heart, the internal self, is made balanced and whole.

My vision more than ever is introspective and my faith now forms the answers to the questions of what I want and what (or who) I choose. From this emerging center increasingly flows my responses to persons and events external, not in trust of or fear for myself, but in love and giving and sacrifice to Christ and to others. I still make many, many mistakes, but I am also slowly learning and growing as God has willed.

I have been coming to much of what you are now teaching us through my prayers and meditations. Some people of faith feel that psychology is a thing of the world and so has no place with God. I however believe that, just as God created us, He created everything in the world for us to use for good or for bad according to our desires. Personally, I am finding tremendous synergy between your class and my religious studies. In fact, the Scriptures and the early fathers of the church speak very much the same kinds of messages though in different words.

But let me come to the real focus of this message, Troy Harclerode, my stepson. Troy (I more and more call him by his middle name Thomas, or Tommy, to mark the new person being revealed to me) has been a major focus in my life. If this phrase sounds like a statement of unqualified love, let me clarify that it is not. Tommy has been my major focus more because through the years he has gotten under my skin, baffled me and, too often I must admit, overwhelmed me.

From the time he came to me at age five, I have tried to control Troy and bring him into line. I did this partly because it is what my parents did, partly because it seemed, I thought, to be expected and partly because he got me downright mad (not angry, mad). For far too long, though I love him, Troy was for me an adversary. Even though I felt I was acting in love, I was treating him like an enemy. Troy reacted in kind with stubbornness, anger, belligerence and aloofness. Troy has his difficulties, but the real problem was my unstable behavior and vain attempts to overcome his control over me rather than seeking my own control within myself. As you point out, my expectations for Troy were negative and my focus external. I knew these things about me, but seemed powerless to change them. Instead, I was a victim, not of Troy as I thought, but in truth, a victim of myself.

Then one night (before taking your class), during an argument with Troy, I suddenly had a vision of what I was doing. I realized all at once that my love for him was based largely on approval. I loved him if he acted as I wished, if he pleased me, or appeased my anxieties concerning him. My love was not at all for Troy, but really for myself. I saw that, if I were to truly love Troy, I needed to sacrifice my selfish needs concerning him and reach out to him as he is. I finally saw clearly that parenting is not a platform of imperious rules and legalisms unto the child, but a delicate balance of guiding and letting go, tolerance and expectation, communication and discovery all hinged in true and active love. To guide him I had to accept him. To talk to him I had to know him, on Troy’s terms not mine. I immediately gave Troy the argument and began reaching out to Tommy.

Since then, with God’s help, I have been struggling to let go of my created caricature of Troy and discover with new eyes the make up of Tommy. I order less and urge more. We discuss, not rules, but reasons and we try to draw choices instead of ultimatums. In response, Tommy is talking to me and sharing more. He laughs more and spends more time with us. He more and more is accepting direction. And Tommy is starting to contribute, take responsibility and admit to and accept his own mistakes. His crazy notions are becoming creative ideas and he is slowly forming a plan for his future.

Most importantly, we are beginning to love each other in a way we never did before. Tommy is listening, to the pleasant and the unpleasant, and I am listening more to him. He is hugging now – something he never did before. And the anger and anxieties, both his, and mine are leaving our relationship.

I am very much looking forward to teaching Troy to drive. I see it as a chance for real bonding between us and a wonderful opportunity for mutual growth. As you stated last week, I see, in this experience, the chance to move with Tommy from a “parent-child” to an “adult-adult” relationship. This is what Troy says he wants, I welcome it as growth and we will all now get to see what it really means.

Your course is helping to formalize and sharpen what I have been finding through long hours of prayer, study, meditation and insight. Through all of this, good and bad, I have come to see Troy as my blessing and my teacher. I say this because, in my struggles to understand and deal with him, Troy has always made visible the negatives and trigger points in my personality and has forced me to confront them. This is in keeping with God’s true way of teaching us in discipline. I know without doubt that Troy Thomas is part of my calling from God and that the pains and benefits of that calling are unto both of us.

And now I have come to your class. Honestly, given my past course experiences, I would never have come except that I needed to support Troy. I am so glad, however, that I did come and that I met you. I really don’t want the class to end. It’s funny. I came solely to help Troy, but the one truly learning here is me. Once again, God’s blessings have come to me unexpectedly through my young teacher and so, because of him, you too, Mr. Evans, have become my teacher. I’m curious about how you came to this teaching in your life?

We still have a long way to go. Much of what we are learning is still mechanical and in need of practice in order to become ingrained. I, like my wife, am teaching this to others, first, because I believe in it and, second, because I don’t want to lose it. My outlook in life has been very negative. You say you have trained yourself to see the positive in people and situations. I am trying to do this by stopping myself whenever I find I am moving toward the negative. I then try to refocus on a positive aspect. Do you have any advice as to how you trained yourself?

I hope we can stay in touch and continue to discuss challenges and issues concerning Tommy. All I can say is thank you again for helping us on the path to Ten Cows.

Sincerely,

John Borland

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Last Modified: March 21, 2003