Parent Exploratory Group...

Parent Exploratory Group Meeting
May 20, 2004

Dauphin County Technical School, Harrisburg

Introduction --
Well, modern computer technology is really great… when it works.

Larry encountered some internet-related, technical difficulties, not of his making, and so we were unable, this time, to view the PBS video, “Inside the Teenage Brain.”

But it was not at all to worry, because this small gathering of some of the regular members of the Parent Exploratory Group (PEG) has never been at a loss for something constructive to talk about, and tonight was no exception. We started in, without dropping a beat, to talking about our teens and we dedicated parents who love them.

What Kind of Parent Would I Be? --
We learned this night about a number of different teenagers and parents and a variety of situations surrounding them. And the general theme for the evening seemed to come out right at the beginning with the words spoken by one parent:

“What kind of a parent would I be if I didn’t care enough to worry about you?”

One story had to do with a teenager who showed a strong will and real determination. The parent of this teen knew and was concerned that his child would make mistakes.

A question became: How can I show concern for and guide my teen without her feeling that I don’t trust her?

We all noted that this teen, and all teenagers, will make mistakes. It is an inevitable and necessary part of growing up. But we also acknowledged that it is much easier to say this when we are talking about someone else’s teen.

We all know that our children will make mistakes and we concede conceptually that it has to happen. But, by our natures as parents, we want so badly to protect our children – and, if we are honest, ourselves too – from the harm these occurrences can generate. In truth, having mistakes actually happen to our children, while quite natural and necessary, is difficult and downright painful for us to accept and bear.

Can Success Come From Failure? --
In this light, a parent related that his son appears truly to be failing his way to success. It was observed that this young man seems not to care about failing and is rather willing to sit back and let others do for him. The interaction between parents and child in this case has been one of building in him a sense of responsibility and instilling, within facilitation, the idea that, whatever choice he makes, is one that he will have to live with.

Another parent noted that he thinks kids do care. But it is also very deeply ingrained in kids that, if they do get into trouble and begin to fail, Mom and Dad will step in to save them.

This parent related how, as his teen has grown older; he has acted more and more independent and self-reliant, often giving the appearance that he doesn't need anyone. It has been interesting to note, however that the self-reliance and independence this teen has touted is drawn almost completely from what has been provided and gained by him from his parents. The child can be cool because he believes, albeit subconsciously, that, if push comes to shove and he really needs help, Mom and Dad will rescue him.

But it was also noted that on those occasions when the going has gotten tough and this teen has been truly on his own without the safety net of Mom and Dad, he has become a rather different person. Cool has given way to practicality and this teen has done the right things.

Why Don't They Listen? - The Gap --
One parent explained that, during a heated debate over the appropriateness of a television program which his son was engrossed with, it hit him hard as to why his teen and he were at odds. This father, in a way, stepped out of himself and watched more objectively the discussion that was going on between them.

His son argued that the violent program in question was fun and that there was no harm done to him by it. He felt this way because he knew the fighting was faked and for him it was nothing more than entertainment.

The parent, on the other hand, knew from experience that excessive input of this type, while obviously not real in itself, could subtly shift the perspective of the receiver. The mental filtering effect that occurs when provided regularly with a certain exposure – in this case violence – without a sufficient balancing influence from other contrasting exposures, can easily cause violent response to appear and become more acceptable and justifiable an option than it otherwise might be. Such regular exposure also can begin to dull the senses of the recipient to the real harm inflicted on others by violent responses.

But this parent also became painfully aware that his teenage challenger could see none of what he, the father, was saying.

This was, first, because the parent was calling on an experience base that his son had no reference with. The parent was working from outside of the experience that for his boy was his whole universe. This teen could not, as yet, see his father's points or share in his frame of reference because the teen had never lived there.

Secondly, this father had grown up in a time that was very much unlike that granted to his son. In the son's world issues and interests, inputs and influences, attitudes and lifestyles are very different than those with which his father had grown up and become formed by. Though the father could somewhat relate to the situations being faced by and impacting his son, he had to admit honestly that he did not understand and live with these factors at all in the way his son did.

In essence, there was a gap – both experiential and generational – between this father and son that, for this discussion, caused them to be talking and hearing apples and oranges.

This same dynamic is most likely true, to a greater or lesser degree, for all us parents and our children. And although, especially as our children grow up and into living our experiences, these gaps may close somewhat, they will likely never be fully eliminated. It is rather the love, respect and trust engendered in us and our children through the quality of our family relationships that bridge these chasms and bring us, though apart, more fully together.

In a later discussion over this same program, the father explained in detail to his son his misgivings about the real impact of violent input like this show. He also pointed out the mechanisms he saw operating in his son and society at large through the altering and numbing effect of such influences.

The father listened closely to the defenses raised by his son, but then he asked his son to choose: Will you continue to act in your own will and by your reason, or will you accept and bow to my concerns for my sake?

The teen questioned the father repeatedly, over and over saying to him, "So you are telling me you don't want me to watch the program?"

Each time the parent responded saying, "No. I am informing you how I feel about this program and I am asking you to choose."

The teenager became more and more uncomfortable with this line of approach by the father and finally left the discussion in silence; but he also never watched this program again, at least within the presence of his father.

So, Who Has The Lead? --
One attendee said with regard to his kids that, "If I feel I have done all I can do, I can let go. But I seldom feel that way."

Along a similar line, a parent spoke of a conflict he and his wife had with their son over homework.

This child at twelve-years-old was very secretive and did not want anyone to monitor his needs or progress with regard to schoolwork. Many battles ensued as these parents sought to have some control over this facet of their son's life. Before long there came to be nothing but chaos, distrust and anxiety on all sides.

Finally, the parents decided and met with their boy to put to him a proposal something like this:

"If you are going to be so concerned for having control over your schoolwork, then you can own it. But understand that we will own the expectation for the outcome.

We expect that you will always to do the very best you can do.

You can do your schoolwork your way. But if report cards show that your grades are slipping, or if you get a grade and we know you did not do your best, we are going to step in again and there will be no argument this time.

Understand, if you get a C or a D, but have done your very best, we will be happy. But, even if you get a B, but missed an A because you didn't do your best, we will not be happy.

And understand, doing your best does not mean just doing the most that you yourself can do. It also means going outside of yourself and getting the help you need when you need it to do your best."

Their son agreed to this proposal and it became the rule between them for schoolwork.

And there were times when their son did not do his best. In one case the parents stepped in and called for a meeting between them, their then teenager and his teacher to create understanding and clarify obligations. From this meeting all parties came to be clearly on the same page, the teen corrected his problems and dramatically improved his grades.

This situation came to be a success because the parents gave their son what he most wanted – Control. But along with the control came responsibility. And the parents made it clear that, if their boy accepted the control, he was also clearly accepting the responsibility and would be subject to the established consequences.

Before this, this child, and to an extent his parents were playing a game. In this game the child would exert ultimate control over the parents by waiting for the parents to assume control over the conduct of his schoolwork. Responsibility for the work and the consequences of it would then transfer to the parents. This result left the child free to belligerently challenge his parents within the situation without owning the consequences for the outcome.

By enacting the proposal, their child came rightly to have control for producing the outcome, but the expectation with that outcome appropriately resided with the parents. The child then, from within his area of control, was challenged to meet – or, said more properly, to choose to meet – the expectations of the parents in order to gain his preferred consequence. The parents, likewise, were challenged to let their teen do his schoolwork in his way and only assume control for the expectation and for delivering on the consequences.

As a result, each party came to understand and own responsibly only what they really wanted and could control. Through this change relative peace was established surrounding this issue and a quality outcome was forthcoming.

And Success Does Come --
A group member gave the example of his older child, a graduate from DCTS and having, by virtue of his recent birthday, just left chronologically the realm of a teenager. This parent and teen were oil and water all during their time growing up together. Their expectations and their manner of seeing and doing things were radically different.

The teen (now not a teen) has been out on his own for over six months now and, for the most part, is doing for himself.

As this parent stated, "My child is out now and doing his own thing his way. What he does and the choices he is making are much different than what I would do. But, when I look at it honestly, I have to admit to myself that (against all my former expectations) my son is succeeding."

Another parent said that, though he has been stubborn and resistant, his son is beginning to look much more in real terms towards his future and to think in responsible ways; and this also is success.

It's a Give and Take --
We came to the understanding that this effort of guiding children, and especially teenagers, is not easy. There is no real absolute, no single rule.

The analogy was given for trying to land a six-pound fish caught on two-pound test fishing line:

If you reel in too hard, the light line is going to break and the fish will get away. But, if you let the fish run too much, you will run out all of your line and the fish will still get away.

Instead, you let the fish run a little. When you feel the fish run towards you, you reel in. When you feel hard resistance, you let the fish run. When you feel that resistance slacken a bit, you reel in some more.

It can be a long hard battle; and only by carefully feeling the line and sensing the fish on the other end can it successfully be accomplished. But, over time, through this process of give and take, you tend to gain ground and, as the fish tires or gives in, you can reel in more freely.

Ultimately however, if you maintain patience and hold to good technique, you will get the fish to shore.

Another parent spoke of a friend who attended a management seminar, the tuition for which cost $4,000. This friend came away most strongly with the message: Each of us wears a sign around his or her neck, which says simply, "Validate me."

We all wish to be noticed and appreciated for who we are and what we do. This is respect. Our teenagers are also clamoring, amid all the confusion of their growing lives, simply to be validated; that is to be counted and respected.

Again, it is not easy and there is no absolute rule. It is indeed a give and take.

As parents we can only reel in and let run while we carefully feel the line and sense, with love and respect, our teenagers on the other end.

This is what it is, and what it is meant to be.

The Next Meeting of PEG --
It was decided by the members assembled not to set a specific date for the next meeting of the Parent Exploratory Group. This was partly in response to the request by John Borland for some assistance with organizing PEG activities so that he can devote more time to his family. But this decision generated with regard to PEG scheduling was also a recognition by the members as to the very nature of the Parent Exploratory Group.

As with all the community activities now connected to the DCTS Parent Seminar, the Parent Exploratory Group was founded with the intention of being expressly for the people – parents and friends of DCTS – who value it and so, in one fashion or another, come to it and are served by it.

PEG was never meant to be for or dictated by a few core or organizing members. Rather, PEG is intended to serve all whom come to or read of it. And thus far the operation of the group tends to reflect this:

There are no subscription requirements for PEG, no costs to attend PEG meetings and no attendance rosters. Members include any and all who choose to come and all who do attend are warmly welcomed.

PEG is also inclusive of those who cannot attend via the provided PEG meeting summaries. Each recipient of the PEG summaries and every visitor to the Affective Skills Web Site who accesses the summaries is considered a part of PEG, can come to know PEG activities via the summaries and has an open and equal opportunity to aid in steering PEG's direction.

Over the years, PEG has met at DCTS and at members' homes, at public libraries and in restaurants and movie houses. We have met inside as well as out of doors. PEG has dealt with general meetings, specific topics, special events and extended projects. PEG members have held meeting barbeques, picnics and semi-buffets; and we have even hosted celebrity quests.

While agendas and topics are often suggested these tend to act merely as guidance, are very general in nature and absolutely open to and driven by change. It is really the members involved who set the agenda for PEG and so the meetings follow the group's chosen direction at the given time. As a result, issues, items and even full projects have come to and gone from PEG meetings as the members have chosen. Anyone aware of PEG is welcome and encouraged to suggest topics for discussion or attention and to participate in setting PEG activities.

In short, the Parent Exploratory Group greatly values and is completely for those who come to it, use it and value it. It was, therefore, decided by the members this evening that the setting of future PEG meetings and activities should also be conducted in this light.

At any time, any member or person interested in PEG can propose a meeting or other activity to be held. Simply e-mail John Borland at AffectiveSkill@aol.com to register your request. John will then contact our member base to see if there is an interest in the proposal. If sufficient interest is generated John will coordinate arrangement of a PEG activity around the request.

Also, from time to time, John, via e-mail, will query our members more generally to ask if and when a meeting or other activity of PEG is desired. You need only respond to the message to register your feelings and desires for arrangements. According to the majority interest and the desired logistics forthcoming (time, date, location, topic, event, etc.) the agreed-upon PEG function will be arranged.

The Parent Exploratory Group is and always has been your group. This decision by the group and this notice reiterates that intention and marks your continuing opportunity to make PEG what you wish it to be.

Conclusion --
While Larry hurried off to catch his son Andrew's induction into the Junior National Honor Society, we other members talked on a while and then walked slowly out together through the DCTS hallways.

-- John Borland --

Home | About Us | Our Projects | What's New | Words of Caring | Parent Exploratory Group | Suggestions and Ideas
Tidbits | Readings and References | Links and Resources | Submission Guidelines | Contact Information

Affective Skills Web Site

Last Modified: June 05, 2004