Parent Exploratory Group...
Parent Exploratory Group
Meeting
July 11, 2002
Home of Mark and Marilyn Barbaretta, Harrisburg
Introduction --
This meeting of the Parent Exploratory
Group (PEG) was held in a quiet
country setting up against the mountains north of Hershey
at the comfortable home of Mark and Marilyn Barbaretta.
We assembled outside on the rear deck and experienced
delightfully Mark’s considerable talent as a grill
chef. We partook of barbequed chicken, cheeseburgers, hot
dogs and sausage as provided by the Barbarettas as well
as the salads, brownies, cookies, drinks and other fare
supplied by the other members of our group. Our sincere
thanks are extended to Mark, Marilyn and their daughter
Amber for sharing their home and hospitality with us.
Getting
Together --
Prior to the meeting and the food we began our
evening with an unstructured get acquainted session of
informal introductions and small talk between PEG
members in and around the house.
I was particularly taken by the recent experiences of one of our regular attendees, Matt Koons. A bright and energetic young graduate of DCTS, Matt arrived at our meeting paralyzed, wheelchair bound and profoundly compromised. He related to me his significant new challenges with a rare and highly impacting disease, Gullian Barre syndrome.
This suddenly occurring impairment to his peripheral nervous system has, since April, taken Matt through a regimen of hospitalization, testing, medications and physical therapy. While the specific cause of Matt’s condition remains unknown he is now in the third month of what physicians predict with be a full recovery within approximately one year. Matt is determined to regain full activity and nervous function seems slowly to be returning in various areas of his body, however the uncertainties remain huge.
Though he and I have so suddenly gained much in common, I cannot now help but review and reflect on my own physical situation in light of Matt’s and understand anew how I have been blessed. Our prayers are with you dear friend.
We transitioned into the formal meeting with introductions, personal information and items of note shared round the table. We came to learn that, in addition to old regulars and PEG members from this year’s Parent Seminar, we also had in our midst invited parents who are brand new to PEG, just learning of affective skills and who have not attended a Parent Seminar. As always we are happy for all who can come and share with us.
And, though he could not be with us in person, Larry Evans was present in spirit. We read to the group a message from Larry that, along with other things, said this:
“But if I was there, I'd say this, ‘I'm so glad you all are meeting like this. Remember it doesn't matter how many of you there are, just that we keep meeting... that we keep meeting to:
- Simply provide the opportunity for parents to gather no matter how irregular;
- To remind and refresh each other of the basic components of the Affective Skills learned; and
- To plan where we're going next with this vital "loaf of bread" we all feel so compelled to share.’
Enjoy.. enjoy the FOOD, FUN, and FELLOWSHIP."
Thank you Larry. We missed you.
Our
Current Efforts --
Our PEG meeting began with a
discussion of the initiatives we are currently involved
with. Central in this discussion was School
Partners: Sharing the Bread. A brief overview
was provided to inform members of the origins of this
effort and what School Partners is
intended to achieve.
School Partners began around the realization that, as important as affective skills have become to students, faculty and parents at DCTS and as much as all of us – parents and teens – believe in and have benefited from use of these skills in our families and our other relationships, most schools across the country are not practically aware of affective skills. As a result these schools, and including our own home schools here in Dauphin County, generally do not involve affective skills education or practice within their academic offerings or with faculty development.
Myles Miller described how, after attending the 2002 Parent Seminar, he took it upon himself to contact his home school district of Susquehanna Township to inform them of affective skills education and request further discussion. This led to a meeting between district administrators, Myles, Larry Evans and John Borland to discuss educational curriculums and programs relating to affective skills and possible actions to bring this type of education into the district’s programming.
Based on this success School Partners was begun. The goal of the initiative is to recruit volunteers like Myles to produce this same interaction in as many of our other five districts as possible. Thus far School Partners has gained volunteers in the Derry Township and Central Dauphin school districts. A meeting held on June 15 provided these volunteers with suggestions for finding contact points within their districts and how to effectively make first contacts with district administrators regarding affective skills education. The volunteers are now involved with developing their own district contacts and practicing their techniques for introducing affective skills. A planned meeting in August will look at how we will work as a team in our projected meetings with administrators.
Our
Society --
There was an e-mail message read from the sister
of one of our members in review of the Affective
Skills Web Site. In addition to favorable
comments about the site, her message spoke of the
difficulties faced today by our children. The message
indicated that much of the social and moral context has
been eroded from our institutions, and particularly from
those influencing our children, in the name of the
separation of Church and State. Reference was made within
our group to the current debate regarding the words
“under God” in our Pledge of Allegiance.
As a result, the message related, our children are losing reference with common values and are becoming confused and increasingly individual in their approaches to society. “Whatever is right for me,” is becoming more and more the focus among our young people.
Even if what is right for me is morally correct and even if what’s right for me doesn’t specifically harm others, there is an inherent danger in this singular thinking. That danger is that our societal sense of community and our desire and ability to interact socially is being threatened.
One member described how things are not like the past when he was growing up. He told of living in a town where community was active, where you knew your neighbors and there was regular social contact and dialogue. Today, he went on, people are increasingly isolated and individual in their outlooks; we no longer know our neighbors or seek to. Communications are becoming more anonymous via the outlets such as the internet and people are more and more alone even within social interaction. This is because interactions tend ever more to be one sided, manipulative and lacking in dynamic balance.
Reference was made to there being three categories of people in the world: those who think, “What’s Mine is Mine,” those who think, “What’s Yours is Mine” and those who think, What’s Mine is Yours.” The feeling was that most people tend today to be in the first two categories. But there was also a hopeful recognition that the segment of people who are of the third category is beginning to grow.
So,
What Do We Do? --
We pointed out that one of the reasons for this
undercurrent of individualism is the age-old conflict
between the individual view and the community view.
Historically people have tended to feel that the rights
of the individual cannot co-exist with that of a
community. We believe that the mechanics of community
will subvert the identity of the individual such that we
as singular persons will become lost in the masses.
This view of community extends from a largely external focus by the individual and is not consistent with fact. In truth, it is exactly the flow and blending of individual perspectives that act together to form community. Rather than destroying the individual a true community works by its nature to define and accentuate us as individuals.
This understanding is expressed another way in a lecture given a few years ago by Father John Mack. To paraphrase, there was a movement in the late sixties and early seventies where particularly young people would, in effect, leave society to go off and, “find themselves.”
Father John counters rather profoundly that we cannot find ourselves by ourselves, but that we find ourselves in others. This is because it is never we who define ourselves; rather it is we who are defined by our workings and interactions with the persons and personal situations around us. So again, it is the community that in fact defines us as individuals through our relationships with those in it.
Going back to the three categories of people, we identified that not only is the group, “What’s Mine is Yours,” growing in our society, but the time of the other two groups – “What’s Mine is Mine” and “What’s Yours is Mine” – is beginning to wane. Change in any society tends to be in reaction to the existing societal profile. The “Me Generation” is giving way to change as a result of the ills and disillusion that movement has created. We are, subtly almost imperceptibly, returning to values and toward the other.
The tremendous volume of counseling programs, self-help books and other personal improvement aids out there as well as the recent revival in religion all attest to the fact that, no matter if confused or misdirected, people are searching. We know deep down as a society that where we are isn’t working and we long viscerally as a people to be communal.
If we will admit that we wish somehow to be personally better, the question that must be asked in the next breath is, for whom? Let’s stop pretending. We wish (we need) at heart to be with those around us and we wish (again, we need) to give our best to them.
The world though is not perfect, never has been and never will be. There is no utopia on earth. There will always be ills and evils lying in wait for us and, more importantly, for our children. In the face of this elemental understanding, what do we do?
The answer harkens back to a break time discussion at this year’s Parent Seminar between some of the attending parents and Larry Evans. At issue was one parent’s observation of the significantly negative influence of today’s media – television, movies, music, etc. – on her child. After the small group had moved through a litany of examples and actions revolving around what we should do, Larry brought us to the center of the issue.
I agree, he said in essence, that there are many bad things around us, and so, in finding what to do, there are two actions we can choose from. We can choose to change the media and all the other bad things in the world – the event – so that they can never hurt our children, or we can choose to teach our children carefully – our response to the event – so that our children can see and understand more clearly both themselves and the bad things and so walk through them intact. Which choice do you think will best get you what you want?
It was noted that we have gotten ourselves to the way things now are through the socialization of particular messages within our culture. In the example above we don’t care for the messages that are being socialized by the media nor do we like the messages that move us as a society to perpetuate this brand of media.
Understand, however, that whether or not we like where we are the reason we are here is socialization. So rather than bemoan our current negative conditions or fight externally against them why don’t we use the same mechanism – socialization – to change them for the better?
If we successfully plant messages with our children now – teach them to better respect themselves and others, to recognize the ills and dangers of the world for what they are and to handle them more effectively – we will be inviting our children to in turn teach their children and they their children and on and on, generation after generation.
As this occurs attitudes will change, personal balances will align, outlooks will alter and the movement will grow. We will in essence be producing a geometric progression within our society in advancement of our desired messages.
Over time the world will slowly change, via the constantly operating human machine of socialization, for this is how it changes, and this is what affective skills education is all about – planting gently and patiently the seeds of change.
At
the Center --
And there is nothing new here. The mechanism has
operated through all of human history and the messages
are the same. What we are teaching here are fundamental
human principles. They are found explicitly and
profoundly in the Bible and to varying degrees in all
religious movements.
Psychology, psychiatry, personal improvement, self-help and all scientific and other forms of personal and relation-based exploration have their roots in fundamental Biblical principle. There is and must be a separation of Church and State, but at heart there is no disagreement or conflict with the validity and inherent worth of these ideals.
Choices --
From this discussion we segued into an overview
of one of the lessons from Connie’s newest
curriculum, “Mastering Anger –
Resolving Conflict.”
First we provided a brief review of the workings of the Power Loop. We showed the Power Loop as the active mechanism in all relationships and reviewed how messages (invitations) are sent and received across the loop.
We reminded ourselves that, if you operate in control on your side of the Power Loop remembering that what is sent to you by persons or situations are only invitations and that it is your choice as to whether or not you will accept them and how you will react, your control is internal and you have personal power.
If, however, you accept all the invitations that come to you without question and attempt to exert control on the other side of the power loop you give your power away to external control and you are powerless.
To ensure our understanding of this fundamental concept of personal power we reviewed briefly the meaning of the term in the context of affective skills. Personal power is defined as, “Your ability to get what you want in ways that maintain dignity and respect for yourself and others.”
But it is vital to our practical expression of personal power that we understand clearly what the words dignity and respect really mean, for these are the keys to personal power.
One parent asked if there are exceptions to maintaining dignity and respect. He went on to describe an incident in which an employee was reprimanded publicly for behavior that was deemed unprofessional.
In answer we explored a story about a man with a large beard who was eating a bowl of noodle soup. The man upon finishing his soup managed to have a noodle stuck very prominently in his beard. The man conversed with others and went about his business not knowing about the noodle. Everyone took notice, but nobody dared to tell the man of his appearance. That is until a young lady politely took the man aside and quietly informed him of the noodle. The man, now aware, quickly cleaned his beard and ended the embarrassing situation.
Who, we then asked, acted with dignity and in respect towards the man?
The people with whom the man talked, but who did not inform him of the noodle may say that they didn’t want to embarrass him. In truth, however, they very likely sought not to embarrass or make discomfort for themselves by broaching with the man this delicate subject.
The young lady, on the other hand, placed the indignity of the man’s situation above her own comfort and out of respect for the man, and for herself, quietly brought the noodle to his attention so that he could correct the problem.
While we do not know the manner in which the employee was addressed, there is potentially a respectful courage in the act of informing him of his misbehavior. By doing so the employee is provided the opportunity see his mistake, correct it and so restore dignity to himself and the situation.
The vitally important and personal question, however, that must be answered is with what motive did I take this action?
To act with respect, out of genuine love and concern for the welfare of others, is the motive we strive for. Likely this type of attitude will lead to an honorable and dignified handling of such situations. But we need be honestly and critically alert for motives coming from personal embarrassment or disdain. Such thinking can lead us to act without respect and so destroy dignity, both theirs and ours.
In the lesson we went on to identify that having choices is the foundation of personal power.
We described the game that students in this lesson play to demonstrate their ability to increase choices. This ability comes from the students’ understanding of the conditions in the game that they have control over, how to use those controls to increase their number of choices and so improve their chances of being successful.
The same is true in life. The more we understand in any situation what we can control and how to use those controls effectively the more choices we can amass towards solving the problems before us. The more choices we have available to us in addressing a challenge the more personal power we command. And so having more choices brings us hope for we come to know that there is no problem that we cannot solve.
But to use our choices effectively we must realize and accept certain facts.
First, we must understand that all choices have consequences. Some consequences are bad and some consequences are good, and some are better or more appropriate than others. In successfully using choices powerful people pick the consequence that is the best one to achieve and follow the choice that brings it.
Secondly, we must know that following any particular choice means giving up the others to follow the consequence we have chosen. We cannot have it all and not choosing is a choice with consequences of its own.
If we be true and honest at heart we know we are called in life to follow the best choices, particularly in respect of those we serve, not counting the personal costs those choices may bring. This is the real respect that brings dignity to others and to us.
Problem Solving --
A parent raised a question about what we should
do when we see someone clearly making wrong choices. The
inference was that, in such situations, we should take
control. This led us into a discussion of problem solving.
We identified from the Parent Seminar three methods for dealing with a problem. The first is to tell the person the solution he or she should follow. The second, to pose options for the solution the person should follow. And the third method, which is to facilitate with the person – asking questions, guiding and focusing – to help the person to come to his or her own solution.
While each method can have a certain value depending particularly on the age of the individual we are dealing with, it is generally agreed that telling is the least effective method of problem solving while facilitating is the most effective.
We discussed at large various personal experiences within our group regarding facilitation. Many identified facilitation as best supporting the value of each individual, bringing out the greatest and most varied range of choices, building investment in the solution and maintaining dignity and respect.
Some felt, however, that facilitation is only appropriate under ideal conditions and doesn’t always work.
-- John Borland --
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Last Modified: March 23, 2003