Parent Exploratory Group...

Parent Exploratory Group Meeting
August 21, 2003

Hershey Public Library, Hershey

Introduction --
This meeting of the Parent Exploratory Group (PEG) turned out to be a very small one with long-time friends set in the quiet confines of the Hershey Public Library. Though we were relatively few in number at this late summer meeting of PEG, we continued our explorations into the quality of our relationships with our teens and others and with the quality of ourselves. We wish to thank all who were able to attend. Thanks also to the staff at the Hershey Public Library for graciously allowing us to use their facilities.

The Better Man --
We learned a valuable lesson this night from one our founding members. The story was related to us as to how the person telling the story was placed in a situation of difficulty and gained from the experience. Though admittedly he was in error in the situation because of impatience, the reaction of the other person involved in the interaction – a person of some authority – was excessive and largely unwarranted in light of the situation.

The real lesson came through the attitude the teller took in dealing with the problem he was placed in.

Freely admitting his guilt, he thanked the person opposite him in the midst of verbal abuse and, in the end, shook the other person's hand. In his mind our friend had decided to leave the scene a better man than the situation and the person opposite him was calling him to be.

While it is better not to be the cause of a problem, we all can and do make mistakes. It is a wise person, however, who can begin to atone for a mistake even as it is unfolding, work in a spirit of peace to improve a situation, even of his making, and so gain a certain grace from it. It all depends on what you freely choose to do with what is given you.

Changes at DCTS --
Some of those attending spoke of possible changes taking place at DCTS, particularly with academics curriculums and strategies for grouping students, which they had read and heard about. We really could not pursue this discussion because of our lack of accurate information, but what we did recognize is the great difficulty DCTS faces in appropriately preparing and supporting an increasingly growing number of teens at DCTS in their career choices.

It was noted how much easier it was in years past when vocational education was more strictly and simply vocational. But today it is so much different with the lines between vocational and more traditional academic education increasingly overlapping.

We looked also at the diversity of students attending DCTS and the daunting challenge before our school in equitably supporting all and providing adequately for their various and ever-expanding needs. And this against the still too present, but fortunately diminishing stigma attached to vocational-technical graduates as having somehow received a lesser education. All students begin their day with the new RISE (Reading Increases Successful Employment) program. DCTS is leading the way once again to improve our nation’s public schools. This time through a very promising enhanced reading program.

We parents and friends recognized in the end what we all know: the unique and quality education provided at DCTS today and the distinct advantage its graduates have in coming to the community with marketable skills and with a very concrete and practical sense for where they are going and how to get there.

A Genuine Person --
And finally John Borland and his son, Joshua, spoke about their experiences regarding becoming a genuine person.

One Friday evening Joshua got angry with his mom. Dad (John) in turn became upset in his mind for Joshua's anger and wanted to find a way to teach him something, but without becoming critical.

Joshua wanted his daddy to sleep with him (something they still do that from time to time), but Joshua knew that when Daddy sleeps with him Daddy doesn't get much sleep. Josh knew that Daddy had been up the night before and was very tired and so he said, "But you don't have too if you don't want to."

The look in Joshua's eyes, however, revealed just how much he was sacrificing by his statement because sleeping with Daddy is a big deal.

And so Dad said to Joshua, "Josh, you really want Daddy to sleep with you don't you."

"Yes," said Josh.

"But you're willing to give it up because you know Daddy needs rest."

"Yes," said Josh with a look that would melt your heart.

And Dad said, "Josh, you've just shown yourself to be a Genuine Person."

Such an action deserved a reward: Daddy now had to find a way to sleep with his son. The problem was reconciled when Josh decided to sleep on the floor on his Sponge Bob blow-up bed while Dad slept in Joshua's bed. In this way both Daddy and Joshua received what was needed.

Part of the night was spent talking about who a Genuine Person is.

The next morning Joshua came home from going to the grocery store with Mom and he was again angry with her. It took awhile to understand the situation, but it turned out that Josh had asked to buy some jellybeans at the grocery store's self-service counter.

Mom said yes providing that Joshua would pay for them from his allowance. With that Josh happily filled up a bag with jellybeans.

When they got to the checkout counter Joshua found out that the jellybeans he had selected were $6.35 ($5.95 per pound) and he was angry with Mom because Mom still made him pay.

At home, Dad tended to agree with Mom on the grounds that Joshua had agreed to the arrangement, Mom had kept her part of the bargain and cost had not been an issue. Now Josh was angry with Mom and Daddy.

Not knowing what else to do, Dad asked Josh more about the jellybeans. It turned out they weren't just any jellybeans; they were Jelly Belly jellybeans. Neither Josh nor Dad had ever tried Jelly Belly beans so they broke open the bag.

Well (as most of you probably know), Jelly Belly jellybeans are probably the best darn jellybeans in the world. As Dad and Josh happily explored, tasted and commented on the different flavors of the Jelly Belly beans the anger of before melted away. In between beans they talked a lot more about who a Genuine Person is.

John then passed out a more formal summary of the points Josh and he came up with…

A Genuine Person:

One who values the other over himself or herself

One who looks at himself or herself first before the other

One who does what he or she knows to be right, regardless of the personal cost

One who can see loss as gain

One who can see trouble as blessing

One who can see challenge as teaching

One who is not afraid to do himself or herself what he or she asks of another

One who, after he or she has done all he or she can do, does a little more

One who tempers honesty with compassion

One who values forgiveness over being right

One who values mercy over correctness

One who understands that humility is the true assertive power

One who knows that a leader is first and only ever a servant

Conclusion:

We should live each day of our lives with others as though it is their last.

This last statement harkened back to the PBS series, “On Our Own Terms: Moyers On Dying” which aired beginning on September 11, 2000. This series followed the lives of terminally ill patients who, with their family members, knew that they were dying.

In each profile you could see a change in the thinking and activities of people who were no longer taking death for granted. Families came closer together; they shared photos and arranged albums, they held regular family get-togethers, their arguments and differences faded away, hugs were given even by those who don't hug, tears were shed even by those who are too manly to cry, and talks began more frequent, open and sincere.

Why, John asked the group, must it be this way? Why must we come to death – to finality – to finally understand what is truly important.

John spoke of being a hospice volunteer to people who are terminally ill.

At first, said John, I took the position only to have something to do that helps, but I am also very hard to place with patients because I cannot well handle their physical needs. As such, most of my assignments have involved talking with patients that other caregivers attend to. In spite of the difficulties and relatively low number of assignments I keep on with this work to stay in touch with finality. I get to see people who I may be seeing each time for the last time. I get to talk to people who now appreciate life and who help me to appreciate more what I have while I still have it. There has never been a time that I haven't left a hospice assignment different than when I came. This experience is part of my path to becoming a Genuine Person.

John concluded that we may or may not believe in Heaven and we may conjecture as to what the Hereafter will be like. But, says John, I believe in Life after death and I believe even more that the quality of our life in the Beyond is based on the quality of what we do right here. We will not find Heaven in the next life unless and until we first recognize it and help to reveal it to others in this life.

Next PEG Meeting --
We did not set a date for the next meeting of the Parent Exploratory Group, but it will likely come in or after October. Please watch for announcements in Words of Caring and on the Affective Skills Web Site. You may also feel free to e-mail AffectiveSkill@aol.com and suggest possible meeting dates.

Conclusion --
With the closing of the library we made our way outside still chatting and hopeful for our next opportunity to come together.

-- John Borland --

Affective Skills Web Site

Last Modified: September 07, 2003

Parent Exploratory Group...

Parent Exploratory Group Meeting August 21, 2003

Hershey Public Library, Hershey

Parent Exploratory Group Meeting
August 21, 2003