Greetings once again dear parents and friends. I have just recently returned from the hospital with a new artificial hip. I am recovering and getting stronger,

I will admit that I spent a good deal of my time as an adult trying to find romantic love. I believed that having a partner in romance would be the accomplishment of true love. But, once I found my dear wife Judy and my new stepson Troy, I discovered the hard way that I had much to learn and do even to comprehend let alone come even near to what true love really is. I came to understand that romantic love can seek its fulfillment for reasons that have very little to do with true love. And even the best romance only begins the never-ending work that is true love.

True love to me is the highest road. It is the kind of love that says to the other, “I care so much more about you and your genuine well being than I could ever care about what happens to me.” This may sound to some like a denial of self-esteem; I believe it is the true realization of it. For who could have any more self-esteem than the person who can sincerely and courageously risk his feelings, his good name and possibly even his life for the welfare of another. This is the kind of love my kids really need and is the love that, I believe, will best set them on the road to bringing true love to others.

I have worked hard to learn the meaning of true love with my children and I now need work even harder to be what I have learned. I hope to see you soon. – John Borland


True Love
How was it when you were a kid? When I was growing up authority and responsibility was the order of the day. My parents expected me to be honest, hard working and obedient. Mom and Dad were the “Law,” what they said went, Period! Failure to recognize this often brought a swift response.

My friends were treated in much the same way by their parents. Spankings were commonplace, bad words could actually receive a bar of soap and we were more than once sent to bed without supper.

As kids, we didn’t argue. To rebel against your parents was something that only really bad kids did, and none of us were bad kids. That’s just the way things were. At least that’s how I remember it.

Today, however, seems so different. Our children are, somehow, more sophisticated and complex. They are not necessarily more defiant, but they are definitely less intimidated and more questioning. The “Law” of my parent’s day is no longer quite so clear. Parental authority has seemingly given way to negotiation, freedoms and allowable limits for kids have expanded greatly and corporal punishment is now taboo.

For years I vacillated over how best to raise my own children. Is the old school more correct or should it be the new way? I could never decide.

On the one hand, I feel that setting rules and imparting respect for authority is critically important, but on the other hand I wish to be open and honest with my children, to understand them and be understood by them. I believe strongly in placing responsibility and try hard not to indulge my kids, but I also fear being overbearing or dictatorial.

I consulted books and web sites filled with information, studies and advice regarding proper child rearing – too much of it contradictory – but found little real help. Finally one day, after yet another fruitless argument with my teenager, I began to develop my own outlook on the subject.

I decided that the only possible way to deal appropriately with my children is to approach them in the spirit of “True Love.” While this seemed a wonderful revelation, it was hardly news; that is until I started to define for myself just what “True Love” is.

To put it in simple terms in regard to my kids, my definition of “True Love” goes something like this:

“To do everything that I can for the real and true good of my children without concern for myself.”

Again, more detail is needed to form a distinct understanding, and so listed here are some of my thoughts behind the meaning:

Always speak the truth to my kids:
This means always telling my kids honestly what I see in them and from them, whether favorable or unfavorable, without concern for how they might view either me or my message.

Always make sure that my truth is the truth:
This means that, to the best of my ability, I must be sure that I tell my kids the real truth and not my version of it.

I must, therefore, work hard to know myself, to understand and to overcome my failings and weaknesses. I must struggle to see and remove from my message the personal biases, fears, concerns, pride, conceit, anger, disdain or trickery that would make my message false, misleading and something other than the truth.

Always respect my kids as I would any other person:
This means that to approach my kids in anger, frustration, malice, haughtiness, or with intent to dominate does little or nothing constructive for them.

In truth, these attitudes serve me not my children and only teach them to act in kind. I must strive always to teach my children respect by showing them respect, the same respect I extend to other adults and ask for myself. Acting with respect generates respect.

Always give of myself for the good of my kids:
This means that I must find constructive ways to deal with my children such that the things I am trying to teach them and the messages I am sending are received, accepted and followed.

To simply preach, nag, yell or scream at my children will do nothing to deliver my message and will likely ensure that further messages are also not received. If I wish them to listen to me, I must endeavor to listen to them. If I want them to accept me, I must first accept them. If I wish them to come to me where I am, I must be willing to go to them where they are.

Always live up to my job as parent to my kids:
This means that, as a parent, I am obligated to set certain rules, boundaries and expectations for my children. These conditions need be reasonable in nature and fairly administered, but they also must be consistently enforced with due exercise of the consequences.

In doing these things, I am appropriately using my experience to produce a known and secure environment for my children, one in which they can simply be children while they grow slowly, with guidance and in trust, to maturity.

To fail in this role forces or tempts my children to deal with situations and decision-making that they are not yet prepared to handle. In essence then I am abandoning my children to an adult world and robbing them of their childhood. The consequence of such action may fall on my children, but the moral responsibility is mine.

Always understand that I can expect mercy only if I give mercy:
This means that everyone makes mistakes, including my kids and especially me. When I make a mistake, I call it to my attention and try my best to make amends.

More importantly however, I depend greatly on forgiveness being provided to me by those I have injured so that I may better cope with the injury I have received by my mistake. In short, I ask them to see me as human and so extend their mercy to me as I struggle to understand and correct my own faults.

What a great disservice I do to my children if I do not likewise extend my mercy to them. To expect perfection from my kids while allowing for myself a lesser condition is nothing other than hypocrisy.

My heart, therefore must be, not weak with fear of my children or somehow deluded such that I inappropriately tolerate wrong deeds, but just and compassionate so there is room for me to understand and accept my kids and their mistakes in the same manner that I wish for people to understand and accept me.

By so doing I am also, hopefully, culturing in their hearts a similar openness and mercy in dealing with the transgressions of others.

Always teach my kids to trust by daring to trust them:
This means that, if I ever hope for my kids to trust me, I must show them sincerely that I trust in them.

To fulfill this, I must first dare to make myself vulnerable to them. I will not attempt to put my children in view of their faults while holding myself in some counterfeit of perfection above them or somewhere off limits to them. Instead, I must dare honestly and openly to expose to my kids my errors and my failings as lesson and example. In this way may they find their mistakes with me and through me rather than by me.

Secondly, I must not fear to give up control to my children in proper measure so that they might slowly find their own places and learn by their experiences, even by their failures.

Such is the meaning of trust.

Conclusion:
These then are some of the terms and conditions by which I define my “True Love” for my children. It is important to understand that these conditions cannot be separated or applied individually. Each condition must work together with the others and be applied in equal measure or the definition becomes false.

Some of these you may agree with, some you may not. I like this definition though, particularly because it is mine.

Because I understand this kind of relationship with my kids, do I follow it truly and completely with them? No! Am I then always perfect and never in error in dealing with my kids? No!

This is my ideal, my vision. I believe in it and I struggle to follow it, but I still fail greatly and all too often in attaining it.

Understand though that the work of “True Love” is not so much to attain, as it is to struggle. I am trying then also to teach my children the value of struggle through allowing them to live with the example of my struggle. This also, I believe, is “True Love.”

I offer my definition that it might bring to you something of value. But I also invite you to expand on, add to, or redefine what I have placed here. -- John Borland --

YOU MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN WHAT WE CAN DO TOGETHER!

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Last Modified: December 13, 2003