What we choose to see comes from what we expect and how much we are willing to flex in using our vision. If someone or something can only be one way within our expectation then the one way is all we will look for and all that we will measure the person or situation against. But my experience – when I view it honestly as it is – has been that people and occurrences can travel to desirous ends along many different pathways. My way is not the only way and may not even be the best way. To take persons or events, turn them around and view them upside down, inside out or backwards – in short, to see with other eyes – is the mark of opening ourselves to other possibilities and better realities.

How much more we will succeed if we work to culture within ourselves this vision of other ways, other options and eternal hope.

I hope you will find value in this issue of Words of Caring, use these thoughts in your life and especially with your kids. -- John Borland --


I am Moki
By John Borland

This year, for the third time, I attended the DCTS Parent Seminar regarding affective skills. You may ask why do I keep coming back to Larry Evans and this course. Some may think that it is my personal involvement with the Parent Seminar and my friendship with Larry that drives me to return.

Looking at last year, I believe this to be true, but not this year. At the very first session of the 2002 seminar I recognized bluntly how much I still need these lessons, how much I have yet to learn and how much I lost with regard to affective skills over the year.

In session two we again viewed the film, “Johnny Lingo.” For those of you who have not seen it (or would like to hear it again), “Johnny Lingo” is a story set on a tropical island in the South Pacific. Johnny is an unmarried hunk of a man who makes his living traveling and trading between various islands. Because of his handsome appearance, powerful physique and shrewdness in bartering Johnny is the heartthrob of every woman on the island and the envy of most men.

Johnny comes to the island village one day to choose a wife. Now it must be understood that trade forms the financial and social structure of the island. Wives are purchased with what is the most valuable of local currency – Cows.

A woman’s personal and social worth is measured by the number of cows a desirous husband is willing to pay a father for the hand of his daughter. Paying two or three cows for a wife is an average price, whereas, a five-cow wife is considered highly valued and prestigious.

It may seem incredible, but this handsome and desirable man, Johnny Lingo, chooses as his intended bride Mahana, the skinniest, most shy, homely girl on the island. Everyone sees Mahana as of little account, lazy and agonizingly timid. This includes most of all her father Moki.

But Johnny Lingo sees something else in Mahana and offers Moki the sum of eight cows – the most ever paid by a suitor – for her hand in marriage.

There is considerable speculation by the villagers that Johnny has done this only for himself, to secure his reputation by paying more for a wife than any other man. Many, including Mahana, are certain that Johnny will disgrace her further by backing out at the last minute. After all, how could anyone pay eight cows for Mahana?

But indeed Johnny does come the next morning leading eight fine cows to the hut of a speechless Moki. Mahana is even more dumbfounded as Johnny Lingo takes his bride by the hand and to their wedding. Johnny shows Mahana the most tender, loving patience while she remains shy, mournful and in disbelief.

Johnny and Mahana leave immediately by canoe for an extended trading tour of the islands. Months later Johnny Lingo and his wife return to her home island to set up housekeeping. Mr. Harris, a local white trader, pays the couple a visit to deliver a beautiful carved, golden mirror that Johnny ordered for Mahana before their wedding.

To the great surprise of Mr. Harris and everyone Mahana has been transformed. She is no longer the shy, skinny girl that all the villagers disdained. Rather, she has become shapely, self assured, happy and absolutely lovely. She is the same Mahana, but everything about her has changed.

It is then that Johnny Lingo reveals his secret. Johnny confides to Mr. Harris that he and Mahana have been together since childhood. He has come to know very well and to love in his heart, not Mahana the skinny, homely girl, but the radiant person of Mahana that lies within.

To purchase Mahana for one or two, or even three cows would have caused her to be seen as everything the villagers already think she is – average, insignificant and even homely. This could not be. Mahana must be recognized as Johnny sees her, as the most valuable wife on the island. The villagers must see this and so too Mahana herself. Viewed in this light, eight cows is a very small price to pay.

By paying this price and by treating Mahana with love as a beautiful person, Johnny has invited her to become, in her own eyes, and so in her manner and appearance, the beautiful person she truly is.

In watching the film I was struck this year by how much I am Moki. I indeed love my family as Moki indeed loves Mahana, but I must admit that, also like Moki, my vision of my family is too much superficial and not with whom they are beneath.

“Why are you hiding?” calls Moki to a timid Mahana.

Moki is fearful that Mahana will embarrass him when Johnny Lingo comes to trade for her.

“Come here you lazy girl, “ he says, “or do I have to come and beat you.”

How often this has been me; I look at my boys, Troy and Joshua, and can see only what they do wrong and how it will reflect on me. How many times have I viewed the misbehaviors of my boys against the actions of other children and asked myself, what will their parents think of me if they see my kids?

To again paraphrase Moki, “She is so skinny and plain. What man would want her for a wife? I could probably only get for her a cow that gives sour milk.”

I too often look at my boys and even Judy, my wife, against what I expect of them for myself and not for whom they are. It is so very easy to see in them the darkness of my disappointment, but what of their light?

And yet how many times has my family been projected to me through the eyes of others? How many times have I heard, Troy is a real take charge guy, or Joshua was so well behaved, or Judy does so much for everyone, and how little do I really believe it.

Does it really take strangers to be the Johnny Lingos for my family? What about me? Even Moki, upon seeing his daughter anew, felt Mahana was worth ten cows and accused Johnny of cheating him.

I watched the movie this year with extra special interest, for instead of seeing Mahana, I saw my beloved family members. I held the scenes in my mind and I hummed the theme music struggling to remember the tune.

I went home and I recalled these thoughts over and over, and this time when I looked upon my boys and viewed again my wife I saw in them Mahana – transfigured, beautiful and happy beneath the shells of their appearance.

Am I making up fantasies or deluding myself in a fluffy rapture of Pollyanna? I must say in all honesty, No.

They are there, persons of beauty and brightness, just as I see them. But, do they see this for themselves and do they act in the manner of their true selves? Again, I must say no.

And so I ask myself, What does it take to unwrap the shrouds of doubt and fear surrounding my dear loved ones and so reveal to all, and to they themselves, the beauty of what lies beneath?

It takes, I think, care and diligence not to settle, because of my complacency or fear of discomfort, for who they are now and not to force or act too quickly, out of my feelings of impatience or frustration, with what can only come for them in time.

But most importantly what it takes is love, and work, and continual faith to hold before me the vision that I see of them now. For to hold always that vision and to believe in the truth of it is to invite them more and more fully, through my own words and actions, to believe themselves and so slowly to become who they really are.

Be well my dear Mahanas, Love Johnny.


Courage
By John Borland

 I couldn’t help, but reflect on the road sign ad that I have been seeing over the last few weeks. In the ad is a simple head and shoulders picture of a firefighter. He is garbed in his turnout coat and helmet and his face is dust covered and grimy. Next to the picture are the words:

When others ran out,
he rushed in.
Courage

Pass it on.

While this is an obvious reference to September 11, I could not help but think of our children and all of us in our roles as parents to them.

What courage it takes at times to be a parent.

How many times with my kids have I wanted to run out, but have instead rushed in? I have experienced so many situations of strife, conflict and perplexity in the raising my children.

I can remember the times when I would drive home from work with it on my mind that I had only fifteen minutes left, then ten minutes, then five minutes before I would walk in the front door, witness the new and immediate family crisis and, very likely, be sucked in over my head.

The arguments, the bad feelings, the nagging, the lies, the anxieties, the attitudes, the complex problems with their confusing focuses and tensions were very often almost too much to bear. I knew of strangers and outsiders that treated me better than my, supposedly, loving family members treated me and each other. This atmosphere at our house (and with me) is fortunately fading, but to say it is gone…?

Do you know what I’m talking about? Do you have it in your home too? How do we live with it?

Then there are the other times; the warmth of Joshua’s loving hug when his Daddy comes home from work, the thrill of seeing Troy with his first girlfriend, the quiet of talks and soft songs at bedtime, the triumph of completing a school project together.

There are the times when they do the dishes without being told, when they buy me gifts and cards on Father’s Day, when Troy shows Josh his new game and they play and laugh without problem, or go out and about together as friends.

And there are the times when they come to me with the big problems, the big questions, the big issues, and I tell my stories and relate experiences and give them advice and counsel. And I realize just how much I have become my father, who did the very same things with my brother and me.

Through it all is the deep importance of each event, each rite of passage, and the absolute adventure of helping my boys grow up.

This is how we live with it, and why we love living with it.

For the courage, you see, is not only in enduring the struggles. The courage is in allowing them the grace to grow as people and to be who they are to be even when we don’t believe they can, to persevere in guiding them through it all, unsung and little seen, to know that we are there and make a difference even when they don’t know it at all.

The courage is in each day, when pressures are mounting up, when troubles are all around, when the world and they just refuse to back off… to stop, and to think, and to remember, if only for a moment, the real value of our children and to give thanks to God for them.

The courage is in rushing in so many times and through so much, where no one else ever would. And it is in knowing that, when the time comes, we will rush in once again, and again, and again, all for the good of them.

And why, you might ask, do we do all this? The simple and only answer is, because we are courage, and we are love, for we are parents.

Pass it on.


The Next PEG Meeting is Set
We have scheduled the next meeting of the Parent Exploratory Group (PEG) for:

Date:           Thursday, May 23, 2002
Time:           6:30 to 8:00 PM
Location:   The home of John and Judith Borland, Hershey

We will send out an e-mail message to all of you shortly giving further details and driving directions. This information will also be available soon on the Affective Skills Web Site. Stay tuned. We welcome you warmly and hope you will be able to attend. -- John Borland --


Would You Like to Bring Affective Skills to Your Home School?
Hello. My name is Myles Miller, a parent of a DCTS ninth-grade student and a graduate of the 2002 Parent Seminar. Recently Larry Evans, John Borland and I had the opportunity to introduce the concept of affective skills education and particularly the “Personal and Social Responsibility” curriculum to my school district administrators in Susquehanna Township.

Based on these successful first steps taken in the Susquehanna Township School District we are interested in partnering with other parents and friends who would like to bring the message of affective skills education to their own school districts. John will be sending out a special e-mail providing more details and inviting you to join us in this effort shortly.

If, like me, you feel that affective skills education would provide an important benefit for the faculty, parents and students in your school district, I ask that you please give this partnership invitation serious consideration. Your Partner in Affective Skills Education Development. -- Myles Miller --

YOU MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN WHAT WE CAN DO TOGETHER!

Thank you so much for your interest in and support for Words of Caring. Please e-mail AffectiveSkill@aol.com with your questions, comments, submissions or suggestions.

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Last Modified: December 13, 2003