Well folks, this issue of Words of Caring really got away from me. This single article (now to be continued in the next Words of Caring) started out to be a typical companion to another story. Instead, it pushed the other story out and took on a life of its own. However, though long, I have structured this work to be a series of individual themes, which bind together, but can also somewhat stand on their own. I encourage you, then, to read the article a piece at a time, that you may slowly, and with the reading of Part 2, come to the whole it puts forward.

I won't add too much to this article as I think it should speak for itself. If you find points that are unclear or that you would like to discuss further I very much hope you will write me and talk about them. What I will say is that this article portrays, very briefly, what I have come to believe in and is working for me. And, though perhaps somewhat different in discipline or end point, I feel it very much agrees with the principles and true aims of the Parent Seminar. If you have another way, I hope it works as well for you.

But you should also understand that what is placed here are the words of one who is only just, and very poorly, beginning. It is uncertain where this will all lead – to accept oneself as ever working to achieve is the real achievement – but this writer is certainly not there yet.

Since I won’t be with most of you again until January 2004 I want to wish you all the most Blessed and Happy of Holidays.

– John Borland –


Freedom of Choice
By John Borland

I'm sure we all remember from the Parent Seminar how Larry Evans developed the idea that everything in life, with the exception of dying, is a choice.

Most of us did not perceive this concept initially, feeling instead that in many situations we simply have no choice. However, through exercises and discussion we were given to see that it is the consequence of a choice and its impact upon us, not the lack of choice, which steers us in the choices we make.

We also in the Parent Seminar came to understand that the actions we choose to execute stem from our choice of vocabulary. We learned that each of us receives on average about 50,000 messages per day. Most of these messages we discovered are silent, from within us – our self-talk – and, unfortunately, most by far tend to be negative in tone.

Larry taught us ways to overcome this, as he terms it, "Stinkin Thinkin." These techniques included such things as changing what we are exposed to and what we focus on, repeating and reinforcing positive messages, and understanding where our negative thinking comes from.

Larry also told us the story of a tremendous work of living sculpture produced by Michelangelo Buonarroti – possibly the Pietà (1498-1500), a depiction of the crucified Christ in the arms of the Virgin Mary, regarded by many as the greatest work of sculpture ever created – to be found in St. Peter's Basilica. From an apparently lifeless block of marble Michelangelo saw the true image within. This deep inner vision enabled him to bring forth from the cold stone a work of startling and sensitive human form, seemingly almost alive.

From this analogy Larry told us of his own efforts in positive human visioning with his students and family members to seek and find, as it were, their hidden and true selves within the fleshly stone.

It is here, however, I must admit that, despite having attended the Parent Seminar for four years and working diligently and repeatedly with the methods Larry shares, I could demonstrate only the smallest amount of success in changing my self-talk.

Initially I worked at clipping upbeat stories from newspapers, I endeavored to give my family positive strokes, and I repeated encouraging words to myself while avoiding negative ones. I, likewise, experimented with a variety of other exercises and strategies for changing thinking, language and actions, all towards creating for myself a more positive internal viewpoint.

With but a few of these efforts the resulting changes in me were largely mechanical in nature, unstable and without real, lasting impact. In short, I changed for a little while, but tended very soon to revert once more to my old self.

The problem seemed to be that, while I could see how to go about a change and could even see the change itself and its value, my old patterns of behavior were so powerful and ingrained that I could not help myself. Over time and under certain conditions of stress or conflict I would tend to become again exactly who I have always been.

In spite of my freedom of choice, and even in knowledge of it, the power of myself (my self-talk and resulting attitude) acted seemingly like iron to hold me and overwhelm my ability to choose the change I desired.

Now this is not to say that these times are past and that I am a changed person, what an untruth that would be. But I believe that I am finally finding ways to move forward in changes that are tending more to last and even to grow within me. It is for many reasons extremely difficult to explain to you what has happened, but I will do my best.

Probably the most fundamental difficulty for me was that I was centered on changing me.

While this may sound like the obvious need it was also, for me at least, an inherent path to failure. This is because my centering on me kept me at the center. I was the focus of my attempts to change, which meant I was still the focus. All of it, even in working to improve, was all about me. This meant by default that everything else, including my beloved family members, were secondary and lesser by comparison.

I have come to believe, dear friends, that this self-focus is at the heart of the difficulty. If I want to become better I cannot be the focus even for my betterment. And my wife and children are not at all secondary. Indeed they and everyone else around me ARE the focus. Until I learned this well enough to put them more truly at the center and myself outside of it I could never hope to change.

Such insights have come to me rather unexpectedly out of new endeavors and considerations that are acting, so to speak, to take me out of the middle. But what does this mean? Again, it is very hard for me to explain this rightly, but perhaps some phrases and details will give you a gist.

Strive to be a servant – I only truly become alive when I set the others around me above myself, placing with love and due respect their real needs ahead of my own. This can only happen by the releasing of myself in labor and sacrifice to the service of them.

Take on discipline – To let go of self, to become something new, is difficult and so requires work. Much of my problem in this has come from not being centered in a specific approach. I have, thereby, tended to flit from one pursuit or teaching to another to little constructive end.

Find an approach that works for you – your rule if you will – and hold hard to it. My rule has become Christian worship, inner prayer, appropriate reading, contemplation and struggling to do what my faith calls me to. For you it may be something different, but by all means stick to your rule. There is no magic. The only way is to draw a line in the sand and challenge yourself continually to it.

Learn to live with discomfort – How can I strive to become something new if I can only accept for myself that which has always been? The heart of growth is change, and the heart of change is to do, or to allow that which you have not done or allowed before.

With this comes often the pain of struggling to see, to let go of the things you think you need, to trust in something new, and even to bear misunderstanding and rejection for becoming what others cannot see. But do not shrink from discomfort that brings with it the hope of new possibilities and the warmth and light of grace.

Be honest with yourself – One of the biggest indicators of self-focus is in believing you are what you are not and ignoring what you truly are. You cannot deny your way to improvement and justifying yourself in what or why you are changes nothing. Learn to look at yourself in all things with open eyes.

Where things are working (because of you and not in spite of you) count your blessings, where they are not working, own up to it responsibly, accept it constructively, and determine to work harder.

Exchange expectation for acceptance – I have spent so much of my life in crusading for “what should be” as measured largely against the standard of my own expectations. Eminently preferable, however, is to accept each day “that which is” and to work with others, in love, to build the expectations together.

Ask permission and accept obedience – For me obedience is becoming a much-needed cornerstone. I now ask permission to do many things, which before I just did, and many times I make sure I am permitted to do things even that I know I can do. I also have come to question requests made of me far less and to accept them far more.

Do I have to do these things? Maybe not, but it is so good for me to put someone else in charge and so tone down what I think I can or will do in favor of doing what others allow me or want me to do.

Hold all things in common – I am coming to believe that I really own nothing of myself, but that what I have and what I do are for the common good and use of all. This is particularly true at home. The things I have or obtain and the chores I do are becoming not for me, nor are they of me, but all is for us and in us together.

In this way I have nothing especially to take pride in and, even more importantly, nothing of mine to defend. And if I have nothing to defend then I have no reason to become protective of what is my own or resentful towards those who might undo what I have done.

Attitude is important – It is no more difficult to be cheerful than to be gloomy and there are far more joys in life than sorrows. I can tell now when I am focused too much on me, for these are the times when I become clever, critical, upset or depressed.

When I can forget about the aches and pains, or getting too little sleep, or having too much to do, or what I should look like, or what people think of me, or what I think of or want to do about what someone else is saying or doing; when I can simply let go of myself I find within me a simple joy and a gentle peace.

Is this a new thing? Yes, in a way it is new, but really it is not. This joyous and peaceful place inside me has always been there, but it has been shackled, clouded and hidden away under the tremendous and anxious burden of me.

To live less with me has also been, happily, to live more with me, but with the better part of me, the part that has been so patiently and joyously waiting to be.

Be thankful for all – Fear and worry have been my life. All the time fretting about what I lack, or what has been taken from me, who I am, or what people and things around me will become. All this time I have misused what I have been given and missed how blessed I am for how things are.

I have wonderful gifts to develop and share, and my family, my home and the persons and situations around me are a joy. Why should I wish my life to change or for my past to be different when what I might receive may not be as good as what I have?

If things are good then it is a time to rejoice. If things are bad then it is an opportunity to make them better. If things are hurting you then it is a blessing in discipline to practice perseverance.

But all is a given treasure to be appreciated and cherished. In all things take notice of what is before you and be so thankful for what you have.

You don’t have to do what they do – How often do I set my actions in reaction to the opinions and activities of others? People offend me and I retaliate in defense, or they goad me with frivolous talk, gossip or high-minded opinions and I foolishly join in. And how many times in attempting to correct anger or bad actions in others have I used the same anger or bad actions against them.

Of course we are all influenced and tempted by what happens through other people. But there seems to be some idea that we must match with the situation we are in, because we are justified or to not stand out. And who made this the rule?

If my son is angry with me why must I be angry in return? If a group I am with has it in them to become rowdy or snide why must I participate? I have a choice and I know what is right. Why should I not choose to follow what I know instead of what I see?

Differentiate persons from their actions – I see a growing desire out there to characterize people as evil: he is a bad person or this group is no good. To my shame I also have made these kinds of connections over the course of my life, even with my family members.

But I have come to see, that what people are and what they do is not always the same thing. To be sure, each of us is the source of our own actions and we are all responsible for what we do. But from my own experience I know that inside I am not completely the person my actions indicate.

This statement is not to condone my bad actions, but to recognize my need to see and work on the reasons for why I act badly. And isn’t this equally true for everyone?

Therefore, isn’t it important to accept our neighbors, aid and support them in overcoming the reasons why they act badly rather than condemning them for the actions? Only then, as Larry teaches, are we actively reaching beneath the surface to find the true person within the stone.

Ask for nothing that you are not willing to do – In dealing with my family over the years I have so often asked or expected of them qualities and actions – patience, obedience, gentleness, responsibility, and the like – that I myself do not possess.

How very easy it is to see someone else as needing or able to fulfill a level of virtue beyond ourselves, and that we would never even expect for ourselves. Rather than view so perfectly what someone else should be able to do, let me first look to myself.

Seek to change only what you can – We of the Parent Seminar have heard this many times, “You cannot make someone else change.” How much we have heard it – how much I have heard it – but how difficult it is to believe and follow.

This is also true of situations. The only circumstances I can truly make different are those I have real control of.

Recognize that making change ends with you, but that influencing change begins with you. How must you change so as to become with others an influence for change?
To be continued…


A Pre-Thanksgiving Meeting of PEG
Based on the responses so far it looks like we are a GO to have our meeting of the Parent Exploratory Group (PEG) on Thursday, November 13. We plan to hold this meeting of PEG from 6:30 to 8:00 PM at the DCTS Auditorium. If by chance you did not see the notice regarding our Pre-Thanksgiving get together just click on the link below to learn more.


http://www.affectiveskill.com/NewsAnnF/101903_PEG_November_Tentative.htm

We hope to see you there. – John Borland –

YOU MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN WHAT WE CAN DO TOGETHER!

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Last Modified: December 13, 2003