We all do certain things and not other things, we all will say one thing but do not say another and we all want certain outcomes to happen more than other ones. This is perfectly normal and we all make such choices, but the real question to me is… Why?

Why do we do what we do, why do we say what we say and why do we want what we want? More importantly, how well and in what ways do what we do, say and want – our visible works if you will – match with what we are thinking or feeling about these same things inside – our motives?

Personally, I feel our motives for what we do or say or want are critically more important than what others see us do, or say or work for externally. For it is these motives – these inner works – that demonstrate, perhaps most clearly of all, who we really are.

If we do something helpful for someone else, but inside are thinking how wonderful we look for doing it, what have we really done? And if we say something complimentary to another person, but privately are laughing at them, what have we actually said? And if we want something to happen that will benefit others, but really are looking to what we stand to gain, what do we truly want?

While this train of my thoughts could sound somewhat preachy I really mean it to be of help. I say this because if our outer actions do not match with our inner thoughts and feelings – if we are being something other than sincere – I believe eventually it will show and we will be found out.

In fact, I have seen too many times when certain spoken words say one thing, but the tone, inflection or body language associated with those words really says something else. I have seen too many times when actions taken in a certain situation appear good, but then a change in the situation causes new and different actions to appear. And I have seen too many times when someone appearing to have a good desire, when placed under stress, suddenly produces an outcome that is very much different. The person I am thinking of regarding each of these occurrences is me. And too many times with each of these occurrences someone else has gotten hurt.

And so I have produced for you here a small article portraying a situation that I am dealing with. It points out how easily my motives in this situation could be hidden behind my actions such that my motives would appear other than what they truly are. And it illustrates how, with some openness and a change in my understanding and experience base, my motives regarding this situation have changed.

I hope from this you might find motives something important to think about as I have.

Enjoy!

-- John Borland --


Motives
By John Borland

I have currently going on around me a conflict situation. While I won't get into the details of it, let me say that there are significant differences of opinion within this conflict, it involves a number of new friends that I am getting to know and it involves me. Further, the final result of this conflict could have a major impact on my friends as well as on me.

In working through this conflict it has become apparent that several of my new friends are deeply affected by it. In this my friends are showing stresses, struggles and failings not unlike the ones I am going through. At first I was secretly relieved that others are sharing my difficulties and that I am not alone, but of late I am looking at this attitude and sensing a certain selfishness in me concerning it; a kind of self-satisfaction coming from a "misery loves company" point of view.

I desire a good outcome to this conflict, but I am looking at this desire and asking myself what I mean by it. Would I be happy with an outcome that simply satisfies my own comfort level and expectations? And what of my friends, some of who would be very much distressed by the result I desire?

What I am pointing to with all of this are my motives.

I believe this topic of motives plays well with the language of the Parent Seminar. We speak in the Parent Seminar of getting what we want while maintaining dignity and respect for self and others. This statement sounds very good and I believe it can be, but what does it truly mean to us?

Well, it could mean to attain our appropriate desires – what we want – but in dignified ways borne of respect for others and ourselves; in essence to gain our desires, but to do no harm.

I can certainly agree with this as far as it goes, but what are my desires – what do I want – and what exactly are these desires based upon? And what happens when my desires conflict with those of another? Which outcome do I desire then? Or what happens when the desire of one conflicts with that of another and I am equally involved with both? Whom do I work for and what outcome do I seek?

I don't have clear answers to these questions, but they are in this conflict; and from my experiences with it I believe I am beginning to develop an outlook in which the answers may reside. Let me explain.

Within this conflict there is a certain outcome I would very much like to see happen. At first, even unbeknownst to me, I set out simply to gain this outcome. In doing this I only added my voice to the conflict.

However, since then I have gotten to talk with several people on the different sides of this conflict. I have listened openly to them and have come to understand their perspectives and the reasons and attitudes out of which their positions are being formed.

In the beginning I could only see clearly my own perspective and the outcome I wanted to have. The interesting thing, however, is that the outcome I desire is rather widely held and is a good one even if not everyone agrees with it. As a result my position appears to many to be very good. Likewise, my efforts with this conflict towards attaining that outcome appear very good and to some perhaps even virtuous.

But in fact I know the truth. The outcome I have been pursuing has it roots in me. It appears good partly because it is good, but also because a sizable portion of our group supports it. In reality though my motive for following this outcome did not address those who do not support it. In fact, it did not even address those others who do support it. It only really addressed me in gaining what I felt I needed. And so, with this as my motive, I was only part of the conflict.

It isn't that I thought only about myself. Actually, as far as this conflict goes, I initially only knew myself and so I only had my perspective to work from. But I also did (and honestly still do) fear an outcome other than the one I want.

The tricky part is that since my desire is popular and is a good outcome many people believe that my motives for pursuing this outcome have been for the good of the group.

And it is so very easy for me to hide in this misconception; to let people think, help people to believe, and even convince myself, that what I want has been for the good of the whole and that I am a good and virtuous person in pursuing it.

But I know that this is not true. I know that, no matter how good my outcome may be, my motive for wanting that outcome was not for them, but was essentially for me.

And there are telltale signs that could trip me up. For instance, what do I say within this conflict to those who do not agree? And what happens to me with the next conflict when what I want for myself is not so popular and I do not appear so virtuous? But, no matter what happens, so long as I follow this motive I remain only a part of the conflict.

In truth, what I say and do, good or bad, and whether I am part of the conflict or not will then as now be determined very largely, not by the appearance of my desired outcome or how I appear with it, but by the secret motives within me for why I want it.

But that was before. Through my more recent efforts with this conflict I have come to find that, regardless of which of the many desires or opinions are best, there are reasons for each one of them and sincere people who hold them. Beyond the issues and opinions themselves I have gotten to know better the dear people attached to them and this has changed my views regarding the conflict.

I can say that my desired outcome has not changed, for I myself and many others with me still fervently believe that it is the best outcome for our group.

It is really my motivation regarding this outcome that has changed. This new motive revolves around a two questions: "What of those who do not agree?" and "What about our group?"

I have come to the understanding that any outcome, any solution, that does not do its utmost to accept, address and include the whole of our group is no solution.

As such my desire for this conflict – what I want – has grown beyond the simple outcome that I originally needed to see. My desire has come to include the effort on my part, and the engendering of the same effort in others, to listen to, understand and forgive those who do not agree with the rest of our group.

From this larger and growing desire of bringing one person to another I hope we can begin within our group to create acceptance. Out of this I hope that we may finally come, not to a continuance of conflict within our group over what is the final outcome, but to a unity of heart within our group and with the final outcome.

While it cannot be divided from my new desire, my original outcome has itself become rather secondary for me to this work of helping acceptance and unification. I have come to know these people, listened to their reasons, felt their pain and now they are a part of me. To hold them to me and with our group is now the only desire I can reach for and I will grieve in my heart for any of these new and dear friends who are lost.

But the original outcome, I still believe, must be fulfilled for the overall good of our group. I pray then that the decision of any in our group not to continue and join together with us in this or any outcome will be because of their choice not to accept and not because they have not been served.

You see my motive is changing from one of seeing only my needs to that of seeing more fully the true needs of our entire group and of each person in it. Within this change of my motive my understanding for gaining what I want and in terms of maintaining dignity and respect for self and others is changing also.

In fact, my new understanding revolves now specifically around what it means to maintain dignity and respect for self and others. I have found that dignity and respect for myself cannot hinge on my gain or my loss. The real and final dignity for me is in knowing that I am dignified and hold respect for myself regardless of whether I gain or lose.

To come to this condition I must be able to see and believe beyond the condition of myself. I must know that I am all right regardless of my own result and that my greatest respect and dignity of self comes in releasing myself to sincerely see, with caring and compassion, the needs of those others near me – my neighbors.

But in this I must know that what best serves the needs of my neighbor is not necessarily what satisfies his desire. Rather, it is what best satisfies his true need and will bring him finally to a place of balance and wholeness.

But what must I do and whom must I be to help my neighbor see this such that he can begin, by choice, to accept it?

In this, my actions cannot be out of pride, or impatience, or comfort or self-interest. They must be for the sincere good of my neighbor, where he is now and leading to where he can be. My actions must be of my heart and reach to his heart even if this is not where my neighbor is right now.

I believe that such an action, of my heart sincerely seeking for and reaching into the heart of another, can build connection and overcome the barriers that are external and contrary to this condition. If I am true to him and outside of the needs of myself my neighbor will be touched and so bettered even if he does not choose to come where I am. And this has been happening.

As I said, I do not have clear answers to the questions of this conflict, but this realm of my heart breaking, opening and yearning for the heart of my neighbor is where truly the answers lie; and it is the source place of real dignity and respect, for my neighbor and for myself. In this motive, truly held, I am not part of the conflict.

Dealing with this conflict has caused me then to look at my motives in other situations of conflict, even those that do not openly appear as conflict. For example:

-        If I do something to help the poor do I do so sincerely to satisfy the needs of a disadvantaged person? Or do I do so out of a sense of obligation or to elevate myself?

-        If I discipline my son for some misconduct do I do so out of a heartfelt desire to correct and educate him for his benefit? Or do I do so out of irritation or even anger with his behavior or out of my simple desire to have correctness?

-        If I take on some type of work around the house do I do it out of an earnest desire to improve the situation for my family or to relieve my wife or son of the burden of that chore? Or do I do so because I feel guilty or to make something right solely for my own satisfaction or out of my desire to impress?

-        If I speak gently to my wife during a time of turmoil do I do so because I can feel within me her need for comfort and wish out of real compassion to fulfill her need? Or do I do so because it is expected, to demonstrate my own supposed superiority or to avoid trouble for myself?

In all of these examples and many, many others the outcome may well appear good to others no matter what my personal motive is. But which motive truly respects my neighbor and will bring about the most genuine and lasting good?

My neighbor's immediate welfare may or may not hinge on my answer, but I believe his ultimate welfare actually does, and my real dignity and self-respect fully depends on it.

YOU MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN WHAT WE CAN DO TOGETHER!

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Last Modified: July 05, 2004