This Words of Caring may seem to you (as it did at first to me) to be not so serious; just a silly little article based on a story from an everyday children's television program with a quick and obvious moral lesson seeded into it merely to give the show some much needed validity.

And it may well be that this, for the television program at least, is all that was ever intended. But – being the person that I am – I have attempted here to get just a little more from the story, to draw out the intended lesson, make the lesson personal and, in so doing, turn the lesson into something much more foundational and pivotal.

My purpose here – because this is what I do – is not to have the lesson remain as only what it was perhaps intended for, but to make real use of the lesson for what it really means. To stop me, pierce me and cause me to ask questions:

Who am I; do I really know? What do I do; do I ever really question? What is the real impact of what I do; do I ever really look? What is possible and what am I really capable of; do I ever really wonder?

And who are all they who are not me; do I ever really care?

Now, these questions may seem rather harsh, especially the last one. And so I start off here and in the article asking the questions of myself, because to do so reconciles in my heart with who I hope I am becoming.

But I also, at the end, can't quite resist turning the questions to each of you because this is whom I have always been.

But I hope that, in being who I have always been, I am also moving towards who I hope I am becoming.

This is not a word game, but a short, though perhaps feeble, description of a process that I now find I am living out and which I feel is germane to this article, and hopefully to you.

You see, before, in being who I have always been, I really cared only about my appearing wise and correct and having you all see it and know it, that I might be held up as first to you.

But now, in attempting to be who I hope I am becoming, I pray that who I really care about is each of you and for giving you something to stop you, pierce you and cause you to ask questions, that you may be held up as first to me and that, in turn, you may hold up others (and especially your spouses and children) as first to you.

This article is surely not perfect in what I hope to give you and with what I hope from it for you, for I am not perfect, but only hoping to become. Still, I give it to you because, perfect or not, it is truly me as I am, and is what I have to give.

Enjoy!

-- John Borland --


Who Is My Friend?
By John Borland

Before going off to school in the mornings my son, Joshua, likes to watch the television program, “Rocket Power,” on Nickelodeon. Aside from simple entertainment, I usually don’t put a lot of stock in what such shows provide, but one episode of Rocket Power caught my eye.

For those of you who don’t know the program, Rocket Power revolves around a kind of hippie-type, surfer father, Ray Rocket, his son, Otto, and daughter, Reggie. They live at Ocean Shores and together with Ray's Hawaiian friend, Tito, have the Shore Shack, a 60s style snack bar and beach hangout on the boardwalk. Much like their father, Otto and Reggie and their friends are into all kinds of extreme sports (rollerblading, skateboarding, surfing, street hockey, etc.).

The episode in question has Otto and his best friend, Twister, practicing for a competition in street luge. Street luge is much like the traditional luge event that you see at the Winter Olympics where riders goes down a refrigerated bobsled track feet

first on what amount to very fancy sleds. In street luge, however the sled is longer and on wheels and the track is generally a long, curved, down sloping road. Also, instead of racing strictly against the clock as in winter luge, street lugers race against the clock and each other in paired heats.

At every other sport in which they compete Otto is always the best and most innovative. He can easily beat Twister and everyone else and he is quite proud of it. In their street luge practices, however, it is Twister who is smoking Otto on every run.

Twister and the rest of the gang are quite thrilled for Twister’s sudden and unexpected success. But Otto is thinking about his image. He tries to make light of it all saying that in the competition he will come through and win. But we in the audience can see that, underneath it all, Otto is more than a little concerned.

The day of the big race comes and Otto and Twister compete with the other contestants. Finally the championship heat is determined and (as you might have already guessed) it comes down to Otto running against Twister.

As in practice, Twister pulls ahead of Otto early on. But then about halfway down the course Otto uses a hidden shortcut to help him snatch the lead away from Twister (honestly, Joshua told me this part because I had work to do in the kitchen). As a result, Otto wins the race and with it a very large trophy.

Twister, who doesn’t even know that Otto cheated, is gracious in defeat and congratulates his friend. All is fine for a while, but before long Otto’s conscience begins to attack him. Finally, after having nightmares, Otto can’t take the guilt and confesses to Reggie who in turn pushes him to confess to Twister.

Upon hearing, in surprise, the news of Otto’s cheating, Twister says, “Otto! But you’re my best friend.”

“I know,” says Otto, “but I wanted to win.”

The episode ends with Twister and Otto making up, but it is these two lines of dialogue that got my attention.

I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Was Twister really Otto’s best friend…or was winning?”

This got me to thinking about whom my best friends really are.

If you would have asked me this question before I would likely have said rather casually, my wife, Judy, or Joshua, or my stepson, Troy; or I might have mentioned my mom or dad or any number of family members or close friends.

This is surely how I feel and what I want to believe; but is it really true?

Of course I love my wife, but what about when Judy catches me in one of my mistakes; and then my ego gets bruised and I answer back with hard words seeking to justify myself or get myself out of trouble?

At that moment is Judy my best friend, or is it my ego?

And what about when Joshua becomes anxious and angry over a problem he is having, and I seek to correct him, or better yet, to show him a better way; but I end up getting all wrapped up in the problem and his resistance to my solution? I then act towards Josh in upset rather than with the comfort, which I intended. Is then Joshua my best friend, or is it my love of correctness?

What about when Troy comes over to visit and gets loud and wound up with some difficulty or with showing off; and I become terse and reserved, and inside begin to tense and worry for what is going to happen to this still frenetic young man? Is Troy my best friend, or is it my fear?

What about when there are chores to do around the house, and I am slow to get to them, or I moan and grouse because my back and leg hurts, and so Judy does the chores for me? Is my best friend Judy, or is it my laziness or concern for my condition?

What about when I get engrossed in writing or computer work and put off playing with Joshua? What about when Judy brings an issue to me and I jump up on my soapbox to harangue about the injustice? What about when some seemingly ridiculous idea gets pushed to me at work and I complain that our managers are foolish? Is my best friend all of them, or is my best friend me?

And what about when I give less than I could? What about when I hold others to a higher standard than I do myself? What about when I withhold the whole truth so as to look better? What about…

I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

Of course, you could easily say that these things happen to everyone, that we are only human, why is it such a big deal? And I must say that, in a way, this is true. I have always been told that I am too hard on myself; but honestly, I don't think that I am.

Of course I am human, we all are. But I am also capable of change and of doing something different than the so-called human things I normally do. I have proven it over and over again with good words and good actions, perseverance and industrious effort.

When I am with strangers, being polite and respectful is not really a problem. When a situation is delicate, I am generally careful and not offensive. When it is something important to me, I can endure much and work very hard.

So why are these other situations I speak of so different?

I think I may have answered this question up above when I asked, "Is my best friend all of them, or is my best friend me?"

When I look at it closely and I am really, really honest with myself, I have to admit that my best friend in all of these situations and many more… is me.

And I’ll ask all of you. Look at yourselves very closely and be very honest. Aren’t you the one that you are looking at in most of these everyday kinds of situations most of the time?

Now, some of you may say no, of course not. It’s my husband or my wife or my son or my daughter that’s most important to me. But is it?

When your husband uses the bathroom after yard work and leaves soap and water spots on the sink top and dirt on the hand towel, are you looking first at the inability of your husband to see what he has done, or are you looking at the effort you will have to go through to clean things up and set everything right again?

When on Saturday, after a hard week of work, your wife asks you to clean out the garage, are you looking first at the condition of the garage and the need for cleaning that she sees, or are you looking at the work you’ll now have to do when all you really wanted to do was relax?

When your young son starts goofing off and making noise at an elegant restaurant, are you looking first at your son and the reasons for his behavior, or are you looking at your embarrassment and what the other patrons might think of you as being a bad parent?

And when your teenage daughter wants to date the boy who everyone in town knows is a troublemaker, are you looking first at how your daughter feels about this boy and why, or are you looking at how much trouble this relationship will cause you and your potential loss of status around what other people will think and say?

Now, I’m not suggesting how you should handle each of these situations. I’m only asking what part of the issue do you tend to focus on first and where are you positioned in relation to it? Is it truly about them or is it really about you?

I want to love my family and the people around me. I want to be courageous and do what's best for them. I want to say all the right words and do all the best things for everyone and to put their welfare always ahead of my own. I really want to do all these things…but somehow it's just so hard to get past me.

And why is it so hard? Well, perhaps there are some reasons:

1. Do I even really see me? It is very difficult to see how much we are at the center of our universe if we only very little, or perhaps never, practice really looking for and at ourselves.

2. Do I know just how powerful I am? I think we too little look at or understand just how ingrained our personal focus is, how rigid is its expectations and how subtly it asserts itself even when we think that it doesn't.

3. Do I know just how much I like being the central focus? We have lived with ourselves a long time and we are very used to what we think, how we feel and what we like. It is, therefore, very difficult, and even in some ways seemingly unnatural, to put someone else in that place despite what we might say or idealize to the contrary.

I humbly submit that we need practice to see ourselves as we really are, to recognize how much we look first at our feelings, our likes and our dislikes in every situation, and how much we like and choose to be at the center.

We need to work in challenging ourselves and accepting some risks with regard to what is really true, what is truly necessary and what might just be possible. This is, to me, the only way to questioning our expectations, expanding our outlooks and opening in us new options and potentials for choice.

And we need to struggle with examining constantly the real truth of our conclusions, with restraining our sudden or patterned urges, and with placing others where we want to be: with what things are like for them, with how they feel and with what they really need.

I sincerely believe that we need to view life, not so much from our perspective, but as much as possible, sincerely from theirs. We need to put on their lives, walk in their shoes and experience their experiences.

In short, we need to practice, work and struggle more and more to see and release ourselves to those around us and to those we say we love; to serve them in our lives and not ourselves.

In this way we really will begin to win, because then our best friends will truly be our best friends.

YOU MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN WHAT WE CAN DO TOGETHER!

Thank you so much for your interest in and support for Words of Caring. Please e-mail AffectiveSkill@aol.com with your questions, comments, submissions or suggestions.

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Last Modified: September 18, 2005