Particularly from a grammatical standpoint, this may not be the best article that I have ever written to you; but from the standpoint of value and need this may well be the best article I will ever write to you.

Anything else that I would write after this can really only expand upon, enlighten concerning, or provide pathway as to finding what I am here presenting.

I will not speak much of this article because what I wrote of it in the introduction to the first installment and what the article itself says is enough. Rather, I would like to explore with you what I said in the last issue of Words of Caring: that this article marks the beginning of the end.

And explore is a good word for it, because I didn’t know then and I am still not fully sure now exactly what this means. I know at this point that I have one article and so one Words of Caring left to send you. I think you will see when you read it (in the November/ December issue) that this article essentially caps anything I can write to you in terms of creating awareness for or convincing of what I, over so many Words of Caring, have been attempting to say.

But this message I believe marks not really an end as much as it does a change, for I have no intention of quitting.

I will always come back to the Parent Seminar for all that it, and Larry Evans, has given and continues to give me. Further, writing has been given to me as a precious gift. It opens me to my soul and enlightens me in a way that I cannot describe. And I find that, although I didn’t really ask for it, I have been given something to say.

From here on, however, I cannot express what I need to say strictly within the framework of DCTS and affective skills, and I can no longer provide it to you in this fashion, that has heretofore been to you, perhaps too much, an imposed offering.

What I have to say and how I have to say it needs, out of respect to DCTS and all of you, to be disconnected from this particular framework and must be something that you choose to follow with me.

I'm not sure at this point what is appropriate: perhaps a new web site, perhaps just a newsletter, perhaps something else. I would very much like Words of Caring to continue in a new way, but as yet it is not fully clear to me how that should happen. However, though it may take a while, when I have it I will let you know.

The next issue of Words of Caring should explain more of the direction that I am taking (or more correctly of the direction that is taking me).

Yes, I feel I must continue in this, but you can also likely see that I have slowed down rather significantly from what I was putting out before in Words of Caring, with PEG and on the Affective Skills Web Site. To be honest, this struggle with change has been with me for a while now and has been making things difficult. But most importantly, and the part I would like you to know, is that I have been taking the time to live what it is that I am seeing and touching.

As I indicated in the first part of this article, I have been rather formulated and mechanical and much more of strategy and concept than environment and reality. But that is slowly (oh so slowly) beginning to change.

I am being opened, so to speak; and I am coming more and more to see, allow and seek to participate in this encompassing life flow that is true love.

As such, I am spending less time locked away at my computer attempting to share with you what I really don't know and more time with Judy, Josh and others experiencing, understanding and being absorbed by what is being given to me and that, for their sakes and mine, I really should know.

And then there is Troy.

We don't see quite as much of Troy now as we used to. Troy was married on May 7 (my birthday) to his childhood neighbor and sweetheart and together they are now beginning on their own personal journey with true love.

But, despite what I say here that was true, Troy and I are seeing each other these days in new lights and are coming closer and closer to really sharing what we have always been meant to share together.

We are truly of true love, and true love always has a way of coming forth in its time. For, though true love does serve all of us, it is truly all of us who are intended, for our own sakes, to serve true love.

You will see what I am saying as you read on, and so I say to you…

Enjoy! And be well, and be always in true love.

-- John Borland --


The True, True Love (Part 2)
By John Borland

Admittedly, while what I have found is perfect, I am not at all perfect in it; and I am still opening and exploring the dimensions of just what love is, of itself and with me. But there can be no doubt that in some small and quiet way I have found love.

And what is love? Love is everything that I (and you with me) have written of it in Words of Caring, in all the articles, and on all the pages of our web site. It is also what is hidden within the Parent Seminar that so attracts and draws us; and it is what we each have, even if unseen, with our families, in all of our relationships, and within ourselves. Love is all of this, but love is also so much more.

What love is, is not an action, or a look, or a concept; it is not a principle, or even really a feeling. Love is a deep and ever-constant presence, a full and inner light, the most prefect and abiding, living communion.

Love is, in reality and forever, for us, in us, and between us, the one, true, eternal, all encompassing, and binding spirit of life.

Though love is always challenged by everything outside of it, love is always with us; and from within it, love can never die. Love is always present, and nothing at all can ever diminish it. Love can overcome all and it will never leave us. But there is one fatal flaw: that is when we leave love.

I know now that love is always and ever with us and in us, but we are not always in love.

We leave love when we seek to study it and analyze it; we leave love when we in any way seek ourselves and attempt to live unto us; and we leave love when we strive to know love and so find ourselves in reference to it.

I say this because, in fact, each of these actions serves to acknowledge us and establish us as the one acting and love as the one being acted upon. Each of these actions seeks to set us apart, and define us as the primary point of reference and central focus. And each of these actions attempts to subject love as servant unto us as the ruler.

From this inadvertent, but egocentric positioning of relationship, towards love and, thereby, towards others, we become, within our understanding, a separated and individual self such that the mysterious, indivisible unity of whole, which is true love, for us is broken. As such, while surrounding us, still in us, and connecting us, love does not die, but rather we fall away from, and so become deadened to love.

Now, what I have just said is very deep and likely difficult to understand, and so let me restate it in what I hope are more comprehensible terms.

You must understand that love cannot be seen, love cannot be comprehended, love cannot be defined, and love cannot be grasped. Love is truly more than us, and larger than us. Love is a bright and radiant essence, like the rays of the sun, apart from form and structure, and beyond human thought and conceptualization.

We human creatures are fragmented and divided, filled with myriad workings, thoughts, and sensations and awash in ideas, intuitions, motives, and approaches. For us, there is in life compartments and partitions – one idea in opposition to another, one path against the other path, this way versus that way – and with it all, choice, confusion and conflict.

True love is not at all like this. True love is singular, whole and undivided. There is in true love no better or worse way, no right or wrong answer, no good or bad direction. This is because, in true love, there is no separation or division, no sense or understanding of one versus another. All is unified, connected, joined, and indivisible.

And please know that we are all in true love. It surrounds us, infuses us, flows in us and with us, binds us, and connects everything and all of us.

All of this is true and happening even now; but our human senses and fragmented natures are, alone, incapable of comprehending it. Still, however, there is a part of us, deep within, that knows true love, seeks it, longs for it, and, like a tuning fork in the airwaves, resonates joyfully in the wash of its gentle light.

But, like the placing of a hand upon a tuning fork, once we seek to comprehend love and capture it, once we seek to bind love to ourselves and, thereby, recognize ourselves individually in relation to it, once we seek, through desire, fear, correctness or pride of self, to bring our limited and fragmented understandings and our sensual, self-indulgent natures to bear on love, over and apart from the inner essence of us that simply and innocently knows it, the resonance is stifled, and true love, though still and always with and in us, ceases for us to exist.

Instead, true love becomes replaced by something else of our making, and which we call love; but it is not true love.

The only way to be in love truly is to abandon our intellectual thought, release from our assumed limits, needs and expectations, dare to contritely descend into that inner part of us that knows and is intimately with true love, bow to and obediently accept to believe what our minds cannot understand and our bodies rebel against, fall humbly and quietly into the radiant, living flow of true love, and be possessed by it.

This is what I have found in some small way with Joshua, and what I have longed for so long with Troy. But you must know that what I have described here and what I have come to know with Josh, this definition of true love, which is so much more true, came in fact from Troy.

There is not a single word in this definition of true love, in "Freedom of Choice," or in anything that I have written, considered or experienced in coming to this understanding, that was not born from the stress and angst and struggle of seeking this same true love with my stepson. I see Troy in every word, in every piece of advice, in every description; and so much of what has been realized between Joshua and I came from what began with Troy and I.

Yet I still long so much for Troy and I to share in and experience this, which is true love. But I also know that, by the very nature of true love that I know now to be true and which I have put forward as understanding in this article, whether Troy and I recognize it consciously or not, we do indeed share between us true love.

What then remains for us, in the fullness of time, is to come to know, within ourselves and between us, that which is already true. In this I see the circle of connection that is of true love. There is in this a measure of comfort; but there is also a calling.

And, lest it appear that I have forgotten them, let me say that this same reality and condition exists with my wife, Judy, my other family members, my friends, my acquaintances, and with all other people everywhere whether physically known to me or not. We are all connected and bound in true love.

And so why have I written all of this to you?

Is it to ease my burden by confessing to you my failings in raising Troy and with relating well to my family and friends? No.

Is it to glory before you in the wonderful, loving experience that I have now found with Joshua? No.

Is it to impress you with how much I have come to know of love by the experiences and trials that I am going through and learning from? Again, I must say (and pray that it is so) No.

I have written this to you essentially for three reasons.

The first is to open to you, as I am also slowly realizing it, that no matter what we do with our children or for them, love absolutely must be at the center of it if we wish for what we give to our children and what they receive from it, and us, to be true and right.

As Larry shows us each year in the very first session of the Parent Seminar, we are responsible, not "For" our children, but "To" them.

Again, the quote that Larry presents in that session from Dr. Norm Wright, and which I wrote of in the article, "What Will Be" (Words of Caring, July/August 2003, Volume 4, Number 4), is so important. As I wrote it down in part in "What Will Be," it goes something like this:

"[As parents to our kids we are only] responsible to love, care for and surround them with a positive, nurturing environment."

I cannot overstate the critically necessary value of this center in love unto our children.

Of course discipline, rules and expectations are important and we must apply them with our kids; but they are not all important and, as I have finally learned, they are definitely not the sought after end.

Our children, and we ourselves, want and crave for love and security above all as the center of our lives.

Rather than running from it towards all the other and new things; rather than being distracted from it by myriad tasks and schedules and all our busy endeavors, we must discipline ourselves to fervently seek and quietly come back to the original and unchanging center. We must dare to let go of the world and of ourselves, and find again, and first, the love that is even and always here with us.

We must embrace love again and allow it to be, as it truly is, the center of our lives. And we must use discipline and expectations with our children carefully, as guiding tools from this nurturing environment of love, for aiding them to see and grow into these very and same loving understandings.

My second reason for writing here is to portray to you what I now believe is the real nature and purpose of the Parent Seminar.

Most of us reading this article have gone through the Parent Seminar and many of us more than once.

If you are like me, you came to the first session of the Parent Seminar not knowing quite what to expect, and you saw there that very first day something you never expected to see. And you came again and again, and you listened, participated and became enthralled.

If you are like me, you heard and saw things that you had sort of heard and seen before. The techniques, the tools, the lessons, for me, were not new, but they were assembled and presented in a way and with a focus that I had not seen or heard before.

If you are like me, you came slowly to understand, at least in concept, this new packaging of lessons, techniques and tools and you accepted them and struggled to put them into practice with yourself, with your spouses, and with your children.

And if you are like me, some of these things worked and some did not. And you wondered why, saw lack of accomplishment as failings in yourself and struggled to better grasp and improve in what you had been exposed to.

But I have come to understand that my primary difficulty and limitation in using the lessons, tools and techniques of the Parent Seminar arose from the fact that I saw the tools, techniques, methods and lessons as the end and, therefore, sought intellectually via study to learn them. In so doing, I ignorantly used the wrong faculties by which to apply the lessons of the Parent Seminar and to approach my wife, my kids and my life.

And I, thereby, missed the true end, which was right before me, but hidden from me.

I have since reflected long and hard on the Parent Seminar and sought to understand just what the Parent Seminar is and why it attracts and holds us.

To be sure, the lessons of the Parent Seminar are intriguing, instructive and very necessary. They invite us to open and view ourselves, and to pay careful attention in a new light to who we are and what we do that we mostly before this had taken for granted. And they show us new direction, focus and ideas; and so they lead us to new potentials and renew in us a sense of hope that many of us, perhaps, had given up on.

It is possible after all. I can do this!

As I say, all of this is good – very good; but as wonderful and needed as they are, these lessons and tools and techniques are not the center of the Parent Seminar.

I have come to the Parent Seminar over and over again for six years now. I have listened to it, participated in it, helped to teach it, struggled with it, reflected on it; and over and over again I come to the same recognition.

The real value and strength of the Parent Seminar – the reason why we come, the reason that we stay, and why we come again to hope – is held and embodied in one single, important center – Larry Evans.

I have known Larry now for all of those six years. I have come to see him, to understand him, and to share a bond with him.

I have watched Larry himself struggle with PSR and the Parent Seminar (many of you likely don't know just how much Larry struggles): to understand it, teach it better, and to truly live what it is he is teaching.

In the very beginning, Larry was to me a guru of affective skills. He seemed poised and masterful in his subject, eloquent and assured; and so he is in his way. But Larry, above all, as I have come to see and know him, is a man.

Larry is a man who has faced and continues to face very difficult and daunting challenges from his make up and his past that have imposed a very significant, collective influence on who he is and what he does. And Larry has lost, tremendously it seems.

But in that loss and from that loss, Larry has won. He has won because, rather than allowing them to overcome and destroy him (as happens to so many), Larry has taken those challenges and losses and allowed them to become his strength.

Larry readily, though appropriately, admits himself to others. And honestly, simply, and openly Larry reveals to us all just who he is and who he is not.

Larry has shared with us the accomplishments and triumphs of his life, but also the darkness, the despair and the struggle. He does this, perhaps to some extent, for himself. But most truly, and to him most importantly, Larry does all this for each and every one of us.

It is all of this with Larry – who he is, where he has been, his successes, his failures, his losses, his gains, who he is not yet, where he needs yet to go, and how he so innocently opens all of that to us for our sakes – that holds us, validates us and is the real and binding center of this Parent Seminar.

In all of this that he is and shares, Larry is sincere and deeply genuine.

And in this Larry gives us reason and permission to do the same: to be open and to share, vitally with him and with others, who we are and are not, what we see, and how we struggle, in pain and fear and anxiety.

And Larry embraces us in that sharing, tells us and shows us that we are safe and accepted in being who we are, and in baring to him and to all what we most struggle with and deeply need.

Larry is a good teacher, and Larry is a real and regular person; and by this Larry allows us, in acceptance, to be real and regular people before the world.

I haven't said it yet, but I must say – lest Larry becomes pumped up or (more likely) tremendously embarrassed by what I am sharing here of him – that all of this here said is really not about Larry Evans at all.

What I have shared here, by this simple example of Larry Evans, and what is the necessary, all important and vital center of the Parent Seminar and for all of us, is true love.

And this example of the Parent Seminar is exactly what I have been attempting to portray to you concerning true love with our children, our spouses, our families, our friends, and in our lives.

The Parent Seminar is good and correct; and the lessons, tools and techniques presented there are valuable and necessary; but they are only and ever just lessons and tools and techniques.

The real center of the Parent Seminar – just as it is with Larry, and must actively be with our lives and all our relationships – is true love.

And true love fully must be at the center of the Parent Seminar, and of our lives, and with our children. The tools and lessons and techniques can never stand alone; for without their center they will quickly become tarnished and twisted, degraded and false; because without their center, without the shining, vital light of true love, they, and we too, have no real life.

And so, I must say, and I truly know, that without true love, without this essential and transforming lifeblood, even the best tools and the best people (and we are all the best people) are at the least lessened and at the worst come to nothing.

But, so fortunately, my third reason for writing this to you is to say once again that true love, of itself, is always at the center of our lives and is always alive and operating, whether we know it or not.

As Larry relates in the Parent Seminar, all of life is a choice; and for us humans, with true love (at least initially), this is also the case.

It is up to us. We can choose to continue doing things our own way, by our own eyes, by our own ears, and by our own standards and measures, and so fight and flounder outside of or against true love, or we can choose to dare to risk, to humble ourselves, submit in real acceptance, release ourselves fully, and so join and become one with the true life that is true love.

True love is here, and it is even now all around us, within us, and binding us. True love stands always open, waiting, and ready to receive us. What will we choose?

What I am speaking here is not at all new, but is very old, original, and deeply fundamental. However, our society, our world, has seemingly ceased to trust in this abiding truth and so has abandoned and forgotten the tremendously embracing, simple, and comforting power of true love.

Therefore, if we choose for love, we must work, struggle and endeavor, with difficulty and at all costs, to unlearn what we, unfortunately, have so well learned, and relearn again (not by learning, but by new exposures and a child-like trust in and return to what is unseen) that which is still very much here with us, but which we have largely lost.

I submit to you that nothing, absolutely nothing, is more important than this; for dear readers, dear parents and friends, without true love, nothing, but nothing at all, can ever truly be.

YOU MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN WHAT WE CAN DO TOGETHER!

Thank you so much for your interest in and support for Words of Caring. Please e-mail AffectiveSkill@aol.com with your questions, comments, submissions or suggestions.

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Last Modified: October 21, 2005